You're A Cashier: Falsely Accused Of Being A Napkin Stealer

On most days, I look okay, but this assumption is that we all have our good days and our bad days. Actually, it shouldn't be called good days and bad days. We, as a culture, are very casual dressers now – we often work from home independently, and when we travel, we tend to be very casual.  

I sometimes take it very, very far. I often work from home, and sometimes I work at coffee shops, which collectively amount to my own co-working space. When I'm on the road or not on stage or booked for a TV appearance, I look like shit. I don't try to look like shit. I don't put in a low amount of effort. I don't care or have the capacity to coordinate or put something on that is not ripped or attractive or something like that. And this applies also to mornings, and it especially applied to when I had a small child (my daughter was between one and two at the time), and the story at the center of this week's episode. 

Breakfast (and Napkins) To Go

We live close to a grocery store, so it's not uncommon for me to sneak out early in the morning to grab breakfast or lunch. One morning, I went to this neighbourhood grocery store and bought a couple of things. As I exited the store, I walked by an area where there were some condiments, cutlery, and napkins. I thought, “Oh, I just bought this breakfast item. I could use a couple of napkins.”

So, I took a few napkins and walked back into the store to grab something I had forgotten initially. On my way into the main area of the store, a cashier accosted me. As she approached me, she said harshly, "Okay, you're banned," and directed me outside the store. I asked, "What did you say to me?" She said, "You're banned. I remember you from yesterday, and you stole napkins first." 

The first thing I did was look at the name on the badge that she was wearing. And then I said to her, "I wasn't here yesterday." I stared at short hair dyed different colours, which was very cute. At the time, I was trying to make sense of who this person was, as they were obviously mistaking me for someone else. I knew I wasn't there the day before.

Also, I am not a thief. I just grabbed a few napkins and holding items I paid for earlier, which I had a receipt for, and if I didn't have a receipt, I had the transaction on my Apple Wallet, because I pay for everything on my phone. I rebutted, "I didn't steal anything. What are you doing? Do you have the authority to ban anybody?"

And at that time, another customer came to pay at her cash register station. And this was our conversation: 

• Cashier: "I can't talk about this. I have to go back to work."

• Me: "Oh no, no, we are. You don't decide that we're done with a conversation when you have just accused me of stealing, which is very, very wrong anyway."

• She ignored me and served the customer, and I continued to stand beside her. This conversation wasn't over. 

• Me: "No, no, we're actually going to talk about this. You accuse me of doing something that I did not do. I'm a customer here. I come here regularly, although not yesterday. I spend about $100 a week at that place just on snacks, not even groceries."

Banned by the Napkin Vigilante in my PJs

I got accosted by a cashier whose job isn't to be a part-time sleuth. Yeah, I was getting banned by a cashier who took it upon herself to expand her job description to try to ban me from doing something that I didn't do.

Her usual job is to handle the cash register and the little coffee area behind it. Maybe it was too boring and not challenging enough. She wanted to be a part-time, unpaid vigilante going after napkin stealers. Napkins at the take-out area are not a skewed item at all. 

She just made it a personal thing to do that, which means I take it very fucking personally. I did not let her let it go. She was trying to minimize what she accused me of by acting as if about it or saying, "I can't talk to you about this," which is not appropriate after what she did. Anyway, she went back to work, and then I thought, You know what? I'm going to deal with this in a different fucking way.  

This would not have happened if I had dressed like a normal person that morning, which probably involved a pair of pajama pants, because they're very comfortable. The pajama pants might have been ripped because, as a former poor immigrant kid, I take pride in having some items of clothing that are old and maybe ripped. It makes me feel humble. I also don't mind keeping something I like after it's ripped. 

Except I realized that walking into a kind of fancy grocery store in the morning with ripped pajama pants and most certainly uncombed hair might have led some people, including this fucking cashier, to believe I was an unhoused person. I know that is 100% what happened. 

Dressed to Not-Impress

There's no way this woman would've been bothered by me taking a couple of napkins and going back into the store to buy things for a second round. I spent $50 that morning. No way would have happened if I hadn't looked dishevelled. I wondered if this would've happened to me under different circumstances: 

• If I were a woman of a different race or ethnicity

• If I were a man

• If I were an older man in a suit 

To my horror, when this happened, I realized that two ladies who worked at my daughter's daycare were also nearby in the grocery store. I don't even know if they saw. They probably saw and looked away. It actually was embarrassing. Maybe they think I am a thief, I don't know.

It's super annoying that this woman was all into it. She was 100% in when she thought she was nabbing a napkin thief, but the second she realized that she had made a mistake, she absolved herself of guilt and of this whole fucking conversation. 

There was a man in the produce section who saw the whole thing, and he said, "Yeah, you shouldn't let that go. You should contact the manager." And I thought, "Oh, am I doing this?" 

Apologize to Napkin Stealer

So, I contacted the manager to let him know what happened. He apologized and asked if we could meet to discuss it. A few days later, I went to meet the manager, and the cashier was sitting there with him. The manager said, "I hope you don't mind so-and-so." I'm redacting the name, although I fully fucking know who you are, sitting there across from me and apologize. 

She said, “I really apologize," and she grabbed my hands. "I'm so sorry for making you feel that way. I really didn't mean to, and I'm super fucking uncomfortable with feelings, because I was raised with no feelings. I'm a bit of an empath, and I don't like it when other people feel bad. I mean, I like them to feel bad if I want them to feel bad." This woman spiralled. 

She obviously was going through personal matters, which is what the manager said, and was also very apologetic. At this point, I wanted it to fucking end. So, I said, "I don't need a $100 voucher." Although it wouldn't be bad in this economy, I just fucking let it go. And that was it. 

It felt bad that I let it go, because I knew that the apology was whatever. She apologized because she had been caught off guard at that moment. She was very proud of herself, and she did not hold back at all in trying to fucking ban me, a person who was not stealing. And it was not her job.

Can't Stop Nabbing Napkins

I still shop there and see her. I think she still knows who I am. It's been several years, but I don't make it easy when she tries to make small talk. And you know what? I was not really stealing napkins that day, but now I totally fucking take as many napkins as I can every time. So now, in my home, we only use napkins from that grocery store because this is how I get back at them.

This may be the part where you can say your payback has been nabbing napkins over the years, rather than saying that you were Jackie Napkin ever since this.

This story always reminds me of the little microaggressions that probably do not happen to women who are not women of colour, racialized, or who dress better. In fact, I know many women of colour, and a lot of my friends are East Asian or South Asian. They are fancy bitches, one because they're educated and successful, and they work in corporate environments.

But, there is a tax, and it is a double tax for a woman of colour to dress up all the time not to look like they're unhoused to receive basic fucking respect, as in not being accused of stealing napkins.

I still dress like shit when I go out, because I believe, on principle, I can dress however I want. I do not have to think about it and not take on additional fucking mental load by dressing nice when I'm doing basic things like going to take extra napkins at the grocery store.