You Don’t Care What I’m Up To Tonight

Like many people, we often go out to eat, especially as someone who travels for work and has a small family and friends, dining out used to be more frequent for us. However, we don’t go out to eat as much as we used to.

This collective thing happened: when the pandemic hit, we had to cook at home more, and some of us had to learn to cook or cook better. We realized we could save a lot of money that way. After the pandemic, the cost of food and dining out became so high that many people continued to stay away from restaurants. 

Anyway, over the last five to seven years, I noticed that when I went to a restaurant, at the end of the meal, the wait staff suddenly showed a great deal of interest in us and became a lot more friendly for the first time during my experience there. As we’re paying the bill, like determining the tip, the waiter or waEpitress would ask, “So what are you guys up to today? What are your plans? Any plans for today?” 

I hate it, every single time. It seems to be the default now where the wait staff stand there while you pay the bill, determine the tip, and ask you questions about yourself, and they don’t actually give a shit. It's disingenuous. It’s also kind of like a waste of my time and distracts me from what I’m trying to do. 

If it’s a bit of banter, that’s fine, but why didn’t you ask me earlier when I didn’t have a big machine and a credit card in my hand? It’s a last-minute, end-of-the-interaction attempt to establish rapport and get more money strategically. 

Now, I am not saying I would blame anyone. Instead, it’s the tipping culture as a whole. I am not going to debate the merits or the arguments against tipping, but I’ve noticed this kind of practice. 

The first time this really bothered me was several years ago.

Tipping Culture and Server Etiquette

Several years ago (seven or ten), I truly don't remember because life is a blur, we were at a nice seafood restaurant on beautiful Vancouver's Granville Island. My husband ("boyfriend" at the time, since we were dating) was seated on the second floor. We had been there many times and we liked it. I've also been to this restaurant with my family, like my cousins from Seattle. We used to visit and surprise each other — it was adorable. 

This is nothing against the restaurant, which is not inexpensive, except that it's always about this one particular person. 

So one time, one of my cousins and her partner at the time visited, and our waiter was being, to put it technically, a fucking asshole. 

For instance, when we ordered our appetizers or entrees, we’d ask questions about the menu. He’d roll his eyes, as if we were supposed to know what every little ingredient on the menu was or if we needed something repeated. 

When he told us about the specials and things like that, he would take our order and then, honestly, he was one of those guys who disappeared. We didn’t even get to ask for more water, drinks, or anything, even though we were trying to spend money at this restaurant.

We noticed he didn't write anything down when he took our order. This is a huge pet peeve of my husband's because we've been out so many times, and when someone doesn't write our orders, it invariably happens (like, 70% of the time), they have to come back to ask us to repeat something or get the order wrong entirely. In fact, writing down orders makes the wait staff look more professional and shows that they take our order seriously.

So our waiter didn't write down the order, and then he had to ask us about it again, as if it was our fault. So he was rude and inattentive. Truthfully, my party didn't need much. We were straightforward guests; when I wanted another drink, I'd ask for one. 

He also looked like he took himself seriously, so we were surprised when we realized he wasn't good at his job.

He wore a collared shirt and a professional-looking, dark coloured apron. I remember feeling like he looked like Ralph Fiennes. And it's actually funny, because this bad experience happened several years before we watched The Menu, where Ralph Fiennes played an interesting, psychotic chef who served very fancy people a meal on a secluded island. 

So, anyway, this guy looked like him, but a little more jacked and with a sassy attitude.

No Fake Pleasantries In Tipping Culture

Anyway, that's the crux of this story, and it really, really bothers me. It's happened several times, like when I visited LA with my husband (again, then boyfriend) on one of our first trips together. 

We've always been Gordon Ramsay fans, and by that, we've watched a lot of his cooking shows because he's cool and has a vibe.

So we wanted to go to one of his restaurants, and we were very excited. At the time, we didn't even have a ton of money, but we knew we wanted to spend a lot at this restaurant. Our waiter was a younger guy with brown hair who was probably an actor, too, because this is LA. 

And you know what we did? After we ordered, we asked him if he minded taking a photo of us because we were just waiting for our food. He said, "No," even though he did nothing else. 

A few minutes later, someone else came by to give us water. We asked them, "Do you mind taking a photo for us?" And that waiter took a photo for us with no fucking problem. 

Now, we're in a tense relationship with our waiter. I don't even know if he clocked it, but we didn't like him. When we asked for a drink, we'd be a bit passive-aggressive, like, "Can I have a drink?" instead of saying, "Can I have a drink, please?" 

At the end of the night, he switched off his fancy, aloof personality and became personable. He asked us, "What do you have planned for the evening?" or said pleasantries, "It's such a nice night out." In our heads, we said, "Fuck you." 

We're not the kind of people to leave a zero tip. Only a few times in my life have I left a zero tip. I won't get into those stories now, but come for me if you want to. In some cases, people deserve a zero tip. In fact, sometimes I've had such bad service that I would like my payment back. People should reach into their pockets and give me money for hurting my feelings or for being a part of a very terrible evening. I only said that to be funny. But know that I've never attempted to recoup any amount of a negative tip from anyone else. 

A Remedy to Poor Service

Anyway, this kind of disingenuous interaction ruins the meal for us. So much so that we decided if a server tries to schmooze a tip out of us, we'd do something fun for ourselves, because we don't want to be rude; instead, we make up an unbelievable story. 

Once, our waitress was a very nice person (and often there are very nice servers; they're not usually assholes like in these two specific examples), asked, “What are you up to tonight?" I said, "Oh, we're actually on our way to the airport because we're going to go to Paris for the weekend." She goes, "Oh." Except my husband's reaction was to spit and laugh. The waitress's face dropped because she thought we were mocking her and lying to her, which I wasn't trying to do. 

My husband and I had a verbal contract: we were gonna have fun for our own sakes, say some wild things, and enjoy it. But instead, he made me look like such an asshole; he also made us both look like assholes, and so we haven't done that since.

Ask and You Shall Receive

On the other hand, my husband's good friend visited us in Vancouver recently, and they went out to eat. For context, my husband's friend is a very jolly, fun guy and a real people person. 

So the waitress asked, "What are you doing tonight?" He earnestly told the waitress what he was going to do all night — in detail. He wasn't being an asshole; he was trying to make a connection. He went on and on for what my husband imagined was 20 minutes, but it was probably only 2 minutes.  Instead of just paying the bill, he starts telling this long story. 

My husband said he was laughing inside because he could see the waitress's face glaze over. You know what it's like when somebody tells you a long story, and all you can do is listen. 

I wonder if that interaction made her change her practice or if she’ll maybe only ask people who don’t look like they’d really want to answer the question, “What am I going to do about this moving forward?” 

I'm never going to be rude about it, but I don't love it. Now, when a server asks me mundane questions, I say, “I’m not sure,” because you know what, life is uncertain, and I don't always know whether what I have planned will come to pass. I think it's totally respectful, kind, and accurate. It’s true to say, “I’m not sure what I’m doing this evening.” I'll say that very quickly, and I'll add, “How about you?” Then I listen — or pretend — to what they're doing, and then they have to answer me.

Also, my husband noticed that when we're at a restaurant with kids or friends with kids, what the heck are you doing, asking what I’m doing that night? 

If I'm in my home city, what we're doing tonight is to be miserable, honestly. Firstly, we're going to take this kid who you offered juice or dessert to without our consent home (it's happened a few times before). Then, we’re going to bring their cortisol levels and excitement down from a wonderful time we've had out. Finally, my husband and I are going to crash on the couch, fighting over what to watch on Netflix, which will probably end with us watching something we don’t even like.