“Go back to China,” Said An Immigrant to Another Immigrant

It really feels like we live in such a racially charged world, especially these days, with everything going on globally. This week's episode is about an incident I had a while back when I lived in Toronto, Ontario 🇨🇦. 

The Checking Out Line Confrontation

At the time, I lived close to downtown (Yonge and Eglinton, or "Young and Eligible" IYKYK). I was grabbing some girl groceries (a sausage and some penne noodles, probably to make a very mid sausage and penne as I had fairly non-existent cooking skills at the time). I was in the express check-out line, where people go when they ahve six items or less. I had seven items, but two of them were apples. I maintain that each unique SKU counts as one item. So, really, I had six distinct items, seven total items. 

Suddenly, I heard huffing from behind me. I glanced behind me, and it was a very tanned middle-aged man in a tank top. It felt wrong. I know enough that if I go to a grocery store and spend any time in it, I will be cold, and I should bring a sweater and not just be almost naked in that grocery store. This man was clearly not in his own right mind.

He kind of looked like Walton Goggins. Many people know and like/love Walton Goggins from White Lotus season three, but I originally liked/loved him in The Righteous Gemstones (when I meet someone who likes The Righteous Gemstones, I think we have the same sense of humour. You are weird and funny, and we're cool). 

This man was also with his friend in a wheelchair. The wheelchair guy had all the groceries they purchased together on his lap. Instead of getting a cart, they just put it all in this guy's lap.

So, I turned around to ask him what he was huffing about. This was basically our conversation: 

Me: "What did you say?"

Him: "You have more than six items."

Me: "I have seven items, but two were apples."

Him: "Whatever, go back to China."

Me: "What did you say?"

Him: "I am a gay man!"

Confronting The Racist

This check-out line conversation escalated very quickly! This is where I remind myself and everybody else that I am, in fact, not from China. I am not from anywhere other than Toronto, Ontario and my mom's vagina.

The lady between us in line was a well-put-together, professional-looking Black lady. I looked to her just for validation, to signal, "Did you hear that?" I remember seeking any bit of validation. Someone to acknowledge, "That's fucked up, right?" But this lady just looked whatever about it. She told me, "Yeah, this happens all the time. I'm just used to racist comments," which made me really sad. 

Aside from childhood experiences of racist comments or ignorant little kids taunting "Go back to China" or "chink," (which I had been called a lot in childhood), I had not had an actual adult interaction where someone so quickly and in such an unhinged way retaliated in a non-big deal situation. 

I was in shock, and I just left the grocery store. I remember this feeling of

being frozen inside. I was so overwhelmed by this situation, obsessed and unable to think of anything else. 

I stood outside the grocery store watching this man and his friend in a wheelchair leave. My only natural reaction, even though it was super uncomfortable, was to follow them into an electronics store. I didn't know what to say or do, but I went in there. By the time I got in, they were in line at that store, not berating anybody in front of them for the number of items they had or did not have. 

I remember shaking. No part of me was scared of this man in a tank top and fake tan, but I was shaking. I went up and engaged in another conversation:

Me: "That was racist. You're a racist."

Him: "I am not a racist. 

Me: "You told me to go back to China. I'm not even Chinese."

Him: "I'm not racist. I have travelled the world!"

Me: "What does that even mean?!"

Wheelchair friend: "I apologize, friend. We're in a stressful situation, slowing us down all day in this wheelchair." 

I don't have any more context than that, except that the friend in a wheelchair tried to make excuses for his friend being stressed out and explaining that his racist comments were just a manifestation of him being very stressed out. We all know it is a bullshit fucking response. If you're racist, you're racist. If it takes something for it to come out, fine, but it doesn't mean that you're not fucking racist. 

So, I just left it at that time and went home. I ended the interaction with, "You're fucking racist."

Confrontation and Personal Growth

I went home with my groceries, put them on the counter, closed the door, and started crying. I didn't know that this was going to happen even a second before it was going to happen. I had just built up so much tension in my mind and my body, and my emotions were on such high alert that, involuntarily, I started crying. 

I started crying in the most sobbing, uncontrollable way. I was alone—thank God. It was probably the ugliest, ugly cry that I ever cried. I just let it out for two or three minutes, heaving and sobbing. I was probably releasing a lot of that stress and hurt that I didn't even understand at the time.

Part of it also was because in adulthood, as I mentioned, I had never experienced someone so callously telling me to go back to where I came from or to an Asian country. In that moment I felt so degraded and unwelcome in a country I was born in and raised in, and I had never felt so othered before.

I don't think I've shared this story with more than two people my whole life because I felt embarrassed and wanted to hide and forget about it. I know I shouldn't have felt that way. In retrospect, I feel like that's a moment I'm glad I had now—kind of like when Spider-Man got bitten. While there wasn't an attitudinal change in Spider-Man, an actual venom changed his life forever. But this incident gave me venom.

That confrontation was a very impactful moment for me, after which I took zero fucking bullshit from anyone else when it came to racism or sexism. I needed that moment to be cracked open, and I'm fortunate it took that long for it to happen. I totally understand that a lot of other people face way worse discrimination much earlier in life—whether it's racial, cultural, religious, or gender-related. But that was my Spider-Man moment. It made me give zero fucks when I was discriminated against, and I evolved into a loud person who wouldn't take any shit. 

I scared a lot of people after that, and I became really unhinged and scary in those situations and when people said racist comments. In other words, it made me feel very emboldened and empowered, contributing to who I am now, which is good. 

But that day was a sad day, and fuck that man. I have no idea where he is—probably still wearing a tank top and getting fake tans. IDGAF.

Many people are like, when others do bad things to them, "Oh, I wish you well." I don't wish those people well at all. I'm not going to hurt them or kill them or anything like that actively. Honestly, I don't wish that man well. I'm sure it wasn't his finest moment, and hopefully, he never did anything like that again. 

Women are easy targets for people like him, and women of colour, especially Asian women, are seen as easy targets because they don't think we will talk back. It's a specific kind of bullying. 

Comeback Analysis: “I’m Gay so...”

I want to acknowledge the non-starter comebacks this guy said to me. The first thing is that he pronounced that he was a gay man. I did not see what that has to do with anything. I think he was maybe trying to let me know that he was from a somewhat marginalized population. Sometimes, when somebody is from one marginalized or underserved or underprivileged population, they think that absolves them of any guilt from discriminating against another. I didn't sit on that with him, and it's quite a bullshit response. 

I don't go around yelling racist comments or being sexist or otherwise an asshole to anybody else and say, "I'm a straight Asian woman," as in, "I deserve to give you some shit too." I deserve to be ignorant to you because I have received ignorance? Or maybe it's saying, "I empathize with what it's like, so go back to your own country." Nope - I still don't get it.

Again, this is a reminder that I am not from China, but I love Chinese food. I wonder if this man does, too. He doesn't deserve to eat it! I feel like many people have talked about this lately, but if you're going to be sexist or racist at all, you're not fucking allowed to eat our foods. 

Comeback Analysis: “I’m Not Racist, I Travelled The World”

The other thing that he mentioned was that he has travelled all over the world. So, now he is saying, "Yes, I told you to go back to China, but I have travelled all over the world, and I will have you know that I'm not ignorant in the way that I just sounded because I have travelled all over the world, and I can't possibly be racist because I have been to all these different countries." 

Let me say: just because you go to another country doesn't mean that you're not ignorant.  

I have travelled the world, so when I say, "I want to go back to China," I know it's a great place. Maybe he was trying to tell me he was doing me a favour. I would love to go to China one day, and then I'll go again because I liked it so much. That is the only time to properly say, "I'll go back to China because I've been there." Note that I'm saying this without any political lens at all.

How To Respond to Racist Comments According to ChatGBT

It's super common knowledge now that we all know that anyone who tells you "to leave the country" or "go back to where you came from" also came from somewhere else or has a negative history with the country they're telling you to leave.

I looked up what ChatGPT might recommend you say to someone who racist comments or go back to your own country, and I did not like it. Let me walk you through it. Every one of these comebacks is way too diplomatic. 

• Directly address the insult instead of ignoring the statement: Acknowledge it and express that you find it offensive and disrespectful. For example, "That's a very hurtful and disrespectful thing to say." I would never say that and walk away. I would have to make fun of his tank top, which I didn't do. I really regret not making fun of his tank top. 

• Challenge-the-assumption approach: Question the basis for the statement. "I am a citizen here, just like you," or "I belong here just as much as anyone else."

I could say something like that, but I would rather choose violence (kidding! kinda). I feel like if you say something sane or logical to someone who clearly doesn't have any logic or empathy, they have to learn the hard fucking way. You have to respond in a way that will actually hurt them. So, I think you should start a fucking fight, alright? But not if there are weapons involved.

Both these responses that ChatGPT thinks you should use are far too dignified. I don't need to take the higher road. The problem is that when people take the high road and someone disrespects you, you're not on the same level playing field.

I find it's mostly ignorant and uneducated people who don't like immigrants or who, if they're not feeling good about where they're at in life, will blame their problems on someone else. They will blame other people, whether it's women or people of colour or whatever. I feel like the next time someone tells me to go back to my country, I'll probably just say, and I mean this as sincere advice, like, "Go back to school." 

Usually, the people who say these things are ignorant and uneducated. I'm not saying you need a formal education to be smart, but these people have neither. I honestly think it would help them to go back to school and develop some critical thinking skills or get into a structured environment with people who think and are forced to use logic and work hard instead of making excuses for their failures. Or maybe just read a book or few.

How I Would Handle A Racist Confrontation Now

This shit means nothign to me now.

"Go back to your own country." This kind of statement has so little validity. I don't even think my feelings would get remotely hurt if someone ever said, "Go back to China." 

China sounds like not the worst place in some ways. They have a lot of money. There are a lot of Asians, and they make a lot of things. It might be a nice place to go.

But truly, when anybody utters racist comments to go back to whatever country, it's just so fucking invalid. This other person is a loser, and they don't deserve any of your time.

You tell them to get the fuck out of here or punch them in the face right between the eyes (if nobody's watching or recording and for liability reasons of course I'm joking). 

But seriously, I'm sorry anything like this has happened to you. If you have, I would love to hear from you. Tell me how you dealt with it. Please tell me what your feelings are at bothered@juliekimcomedy.com.

Ok I need a boba or a bingsoo right now. Bye.