Loud Uber, Louder Revenge: A Travel Tale | Julie Kim | Bothered Podcast #030

I know what I did last summer. And by last summer, I mean just two weeks ago; it was very recent. And one of the things we did in August was that we took our very, very first trip to England. My husband, my daughter and I had a great time in London and a day trip to Brighton Beach. We also went to Manchester for a weekend and did a lovely bus tour to Bath and Stonehenge. We'd go back multiple times, excuse me, we'd go back for multiple days next time — it was great! 

Over in England, we had some good food and drink. And I can't say that we had a negative experience. We just had a somewhat unusual experience —  some pleasant surprises. And, of course, I will mine that for a podcast episode, and I have thought about it since then. 

Now, the overall scenario is not something I'm a stranger to, and maybe this is something you've also encountered. Have you found yourself in a taxi or Uber with a driver talking on the phone? I'm sure this is no big surprise to anyone. It happens more often than not. Sometimes the driver says, "Oh, I'm on the phone," or asks, "Can I take a phone call?" I can't say I've ever said, "I do mind," but I mind every time, every fucking time. 

Simply, it's distracted driving. And not only that, when these drivers are on the phone, it's always on speaker phone, and I can always hear the other party. So I don't want this shitty show, and every time it's happened, except for one time, it's been in a language I don't know. So for me, I feel like, Oh, I'm the paying client, and I should have a little bit of peace. More on that later. 

Uber Drivers and Their Phone Calls

Anyway, let me establish the setting we were in: Manchester.

I am wearing the jersey from the Manchester United game that we attended, and shout out to the Man United Supporters Club of Canada, who helped me get tickets, which is a very difficult thing to do. It was my husband's dream to go to a Manchester United game. We were in the Stratford end – we had such a great time! If you are not a soccer/football fan, this is very boring for you. I thought it would be boring for me, but I'm a fan now. 

So, we went to the game, and then we had the best Greek dinner after the game. To get back to our hotel, we ordered an Uber. We got in the car, and the driver was talking on the phone using his speaker, and he said, "Oh, do you mind? I'm just on the phone." I say, "Yeah, sure."

Other times when people have asked me, I've said, "If you need to," as opposed to, "Yeah, it's fine. I love having my peace disturbed." So anyway, this guy's on speakerphone, and it's a little loud. 

Here's the thing: If a cab or Uber driver is speaking on the phone, aren't they the only ones who are allowed to make noise, right? My consent as your passenger/client for you to speak on the phone doesn't mean that I agree to be quiet, too. However, this was what the Uber driver wanted. 

So in the Uber, my husband, daughter, and I were riding around Manchester for the first time. So, of course, we're going to look out and talk about things we see on the street, like, "Oh, there's a bridge," and "There's a restaurant we could head up tomorrow." 

This Uber driver turned up his volume.

A clip of the actual car ride

What Are You Talking About?!

I, being a tiny bit petty as I am, but also being 100% committed to being petty, back to somebody who's being petty, I increase my volume as well, and my volume is in my mouth, so I talked even louder, not really like in a "Whoa, look at that over there" kind of way. I continued the conversation with my family, which I was fully entitled to do. 

And this man, guess what? He turned the volume up so high at some point that you could have heard it from outside the car. And because I didn't want to lose, I just talked about whatever came to mind, like "There's a building," or "It's so dark out." I didn't even feel like talking anymore, but I didn't want him to win, and I was interested in what would happen after. 

The Uber ride ended, and it was only an 11-minute ride, but it felt like a long time. 11 minutes is an amount of time that you could not talk on the phone for, and you know what? I don't know what was so important. In fact, most of the time when I've been in an Uber or taxi, the driver has been on the phone. What are they talking about? Is it important? Is it life-saving stuff? Is it world-changing stuff? No, it absolutely is not. 

A Peaceful Ride is a Silent Ride

My husband reminded me that once, we were in a cab and the Caucasian driver took a call from his teenage daughter. We had to sit there and listen to him check in on his daughter's night. He asked something along the lines of, "Are you alone or are you with friends?" Where the daughter would awkwardly reply, "I'm with my friends, okay?"

My husband and I reacted like What kind of shit show is this? I shouldn't have to pay and be forced to listen to this. It is actually a burden on my peace to listen to a boring conversation. 

In fact, I would rather you were talking in a different language. It's easier to drown out if it's in another language. Yet, I'm a curious person. I want to know what you're talking about, and then I'll find out what you're talking about. 

So the next time I take an Uber or a taxi (that I'm paying for), and the driver's talking at a regular cadence with a lot of discussion, I'll open the Google Translate app. I want Google to tell me what you're saying in real time, and I want to laugh out loud if you say something funny or embarrassing. Don't worry, I won't be sharing it with anyone or breaching anyone's privacy, but I want to know what you're talking about.

How to Request the "Peaceful" Ride

I'm very silly and a little bit petty, but I'm just outraged that I have to ask for this kind of peace. Did you know that there's a way to request peace in Uber, depending on the price differential? 

If I choose a "comfort ride," which I expect to be cool, which is fine, but I'm more interested in the things it's bundled with: quietness and no conversation. That also means sometimes no music or other noises. Although most times, drivers understand "comfort ride" means, "Please don't talk to me." You can say, "Hello, how are you?" And like, that's fine. If I don't do that or if I don't pay for peace, I've had all sorts of things happen. 

One time, I was in Toronto, and the Uber driver asked what I did for a living.

Most of the time, I'll say, "Oh, I'm a writer," because as a comedian, I'm a writer, and that's enough truth for a stranger. This guy proceeded to tell me that that was cool and that he's actually a rapper. He then asked if I would mind if he played his music. I didn't answer, and he started playing his raps. Eventually, he showed me his CD and offered it to me for $10 Canadian. I declined.

This kind of stuff happens often, and I bear with it mostly. 

Conclusion: STFU, Please

Except this Manchester driver took it too far by turning up the volume on his call, for God's sake.

As a parting thought: I can't say no when you ask if I mind that you're on the phone, because you can rate me negatively, which I generally don't like. Although I don't know what the implications of having a not great Uber rating are as a passenger, you also have my life in your hands. I don't know who you are, so I'm probably just going to comply with anything that seems reasonable. It's not a problem.

Actually, an Uber ride, especially when I'm alone, is a time for me to decompress. They shouldn't add more stress. We are not on Cash Cab, Carpool Karaoke, or an interview. This is a very ephemeral, temporary fling that we're having, so let's make it pleasant. 

Do you see the emotional roller coaster here? Let's listen to silence or agree on what music to listen to. Never mind, I never want to listen to anything. 

As a paying passenger, I feel like I'm entitled to the level of noise and background noise that I want. For me, I would rather have zero noise at all to the point where it's creepy. I can wear my own noise-cancelling headphones, too, and, trust me, I have done that.

What do you guys think? Am I being unreasonable? Do you agree or disagree? Write to me at info@juliekimcomedy.com.