Get ready to be BOTHERED about this story of when a man at a bar used some casual racism to start a conversation with an Asian woman walking by. She confronts him and gets a small dose of revenge.
Join comedian Julie Kim as she deconstructs the interaction and questions his stupid moustache and ridiculous backwards hat.
Smallville Skepticism
As a comedian, I have performed in big cities like Toronto, Vancouver, Montreal, Melbourne, Los Angeles, Chicago, and New York. I have also performed in many smaller cities and towns where there is little or no diversity, and where average ages are higher (and generally, they have less in common with me).
I have felt apprehensive being places where there aren’t as many people who “look like me” (a phrase we’ve been accustomed to meaning not of the same cultural background or race).
I have been apprehensive about going to these places. I wonder if I can be my real self on stage, with my jokes that at least refer to race and culture, or even living in a multi-cultural city. I was born and raised in Toronto and am now based in Vancouver.
Aside from wondering if I’ll vibe with the crowd on stage, I’m unsure of what it’ll be like off-stage–travelling, shopping, and eating (my main hobby). Truthfully, my mind often wanders to a darker place, wondering if I’d experience any harassment or harm.
Yet, I continue to travel to tell jokes because this is my job (one I’m grateful for and enjoy every day), and because there’s more good in this world than bad. I also no longer have other marketable skills.
Welcome to Vernon, BC
In March of 2024, I headlined a tour in multiple cities in the interior of British Columbia, Canada. They were all what I consider to be small towns, with populations ranging from 5,000 to 44,500.
I knew that none of the towns would be diverse like the big cities I’ve lived in or have been to. But we were going to spread laughs around International Women’s Day, and half of the planet is comprised of women. I preferred to focus on that. Moreover, I love how comedy bridges gaps and bonds us. It’s impossible to laugh at the same thing as someone else and believe that we’re entirely different.
On a night off from my headlining tour, I drove up to Vernon, BC, to emcee at a large theatre for another amazing comedian, Elvira Kurt. It was packed with 750 seats. I hosted the sh1t out of this show, which might’ve been my favourite show of that whole year to date. Everyone had the best time and audience members wanted to take pictures with us. An older gentleman told me, “That was the best comedy show I've ever seen – female, male, anyone.” What a lovely night.
(I also sold a record amount of merch! If you’re curious, here’s my storefront.)
We, the comics, went out for food and drinks afterwards, but by the time the show ended, there weren’t any great options open. So, we opted for our hotel bar. FYI, my usual post-show meal is sometimes a protein bar or whatever is leftover from the comedy club.
At the bar, Elvira ate her leftover cold steak from the same place (ordered and prepared before the show). I add this detail because it's delightfully weird. Meanwhile, Kate Belton, my opening act for that tour and her boyfriend (who drove to Vernon to watch the show) and I had appetizers and drinks. I had a skinny Margarita, my usual. Or, as usual as it can get for an infrequent drinker like me. Once we finished chowing down (asian sounding word choice as a foreshadow?), we realized that we would have to go up to the bartender to pay.
I went first. I'm often the one after a show who wants to leave first. There's sleep without interruptions from a child to be had!
Catching strays from a racist
On my way to the bar, I walked by a table of three men drinking. I didn't look at them or initiate them. I was minding my own business. Until one of them got my attention, and he said,
“Ni hoo. Ni hao? What does that mean?”
Are you fucking kidding me.
Let me tell you about this table: This was a very, very large table. Maybe there were supposed to be more people at this table, but there were only three. That’s probably because most normal people don’t like to hang out with an ignorant racist – so others didn’t show.
These three men were probably in their 30s or 40s (it’s hard to tell with people who have sad existences), and they just sat there, each with a drink. One of them definitely had old pickup truck vibes. I recall that they were barely talking nor moving before I walked by.
For the sake of this story, I'll call him the dude with a b“Backwards Hhat Dude,” because this is a grown-ass man wearing a backwards hat – at a nearly empty small town hotel bar – on a Saturday night.
My reaction (In my head)
This is where I’m made fully aware that I’m the minority in this place. I get singled out based on my appearance which is Asian. My faith in humanity temporarily deflated.
I reacted first in my head. Because I’m an adult is starting to regulate her emotions. It’s never too late. But I also didn't want to do it too early.
I thought to myself, “What the actual fuck?”
Sometimes I say that out loud to myself. I think it's my most used phrase for self-talk and other-talk. I might have said it out loud to myself, in this case.
But the subtext in my head:
Is this really happening? My dark thoughts have manifested to reality.
This, again?
And most importantly: Oh no. I’m about to get into it with this backwards-hat-wearing lump of shit in jeans, a hoodie, and a fucking backwards hat.
My reaction (In real life)
I could have lashed out at him immediately, and called him names, or punched him in the face. All of these options crossed my mind.
Do I fight ignorance with ignorance? Yes, sometimes actually, and a little bit later on in this blog. But I’m working on it and not in the moment here. 😉
I could have ignored him, held my head high, and walked away. But that would not have been fun for me. Instead, I walked towards the table and stood in front of the three idle men there. I looked directly at the Backwards Hat Dude, the one who was looking for a language translation. The riveting dialogue that followed:
Me: “What are you doing?”
Him: “What, is that Japanese?”
Me: “I don't know. I'm not Japanese.”
Him: “Oh.” (Great comeback, for him.)
Me: “Why are you asking me this?”
Him: “I don’t know.”
Me: “That was racist. I came here to do a comedy show at the theatre and had a great night with all of these amazing people from Vernon and now you’ve ruined it.”
Him: “Comedy show? What was it?”
Me: “Stop talking to me and apologize.”
And then one of his friends stepped in and said to me: “Yeah, he’s just that kind of guy.” What does that mean!?
He’s just that kind of guy:
who makes useless comments,
who has never travelled anywhere but really loves guessing words in different languages,
who takes vague notions of what a word sounds like in a language, and he ask someone who looks like they might come from that country what the word means,
who will misspeak (maybe on purpose) because it makes him giggle
who gets away with saying and doing ignorant things because someone explains that he's "jsut that kind of guy", and
who is racist.
I said, "Thanks for the explanation."
I'll side bar with some reflections for a bit.
Want to learn a new language? Do this
He wanted to get my attention and did it by asking me what an Asian word that he can’t pronounce means. He said an Asian greeting (Nihao, Ni Hao, or 你好 (lit. 'hello' in Mandarin Chinese) – he heard somewhere. So, if he knew it was Chinese, he guessed that I was Chinese. But he guessed wrong. Then, Backwards Hat Dude asks me what it meant. Who just spits out a few syllables that could mean something, at a stranger walking by?
While my head was exploding from confusion, he continued, “Is that Japanese?” Now he’s assuming I’m Japanese? Or that I’m a Chinese person speaking Japanese? At this point I'm confused. What am I???
But all this time he assumes I speak English as noises come out of his mouth.
Public Service Announcement: If you want to learn a language, try a language learning app, use a translation app, or even a dictionary! At no point should you drive-by yell random syllables you think you may know at others. That’s harassment and a microaggression. And super lame.
Learning how to talk to people? Don’t do this
I might expect this low-level interaction from a high school kid who didn’t know better. However, I have to say that I know some impressive teenagers. I'm very impressed with a lot of Gen Z and even Gen Alpha boys and girls who have a sense of justice, reject ignorance, and know what racism is. Clearly, Backwards Hat Dude needs to re-learn some things to be as decent as some children.
My husband believes (with zero jealousy because he knows I have a negative level of attraction for people with trash minds and outlooks) that this guy was trying to get my attention and flirt. If so, how would that work?!
In Backwards Hat Dude’s ideal world, he would say, “Oh, nihooooo ni hao. What does that mean? Is that Japanese?” And I'd reply, “Yeah, it's Japanese. It's actually my name. Let's fuck.”
Or maybe he thought I’d say, “Haha, yeah, let's make fun of my culture. It sounds so weird.” And then sit and have a drink. Perhaps he thought I would giggle with my hand over my mouth and give him the satisfaction of saying something witty.
This crap is what makes women disappointed in men. He actually thought that he would open his mouth, and this would be a worthwhile thing to say. It’s unintelligent and unoriginal, on top of being ignorant.
Women are told a lot of the time to say or do nothing when men harass or offend us, and when they engage in non-consensual conversation even. They need us to laugh at what they think are amusing comments for their own satisfaction. In so doing they burden us with this this conversational terrorism (as I call it), for no other reason than to amuse themselves. The implicit messaging is that my time is less important than yours, and you can come into my space and headspace when you want. I do not exist for your amusement. No, sir. A thousand times no.
Back to reality at a hotel bar in Vernon, BC
Recall that I stood in front of this table of three barfly men, needing some sort of resolution.
I said, “No, that’s not okay. You gotta apologize.”
And after a little hesitation and back and forth, he said, “Sorry.”
But it was not a real apology. It couldn’t have been because he didn’t think he did something wrong. He wanted me to let it go. This is what happens with me and my husband because I, admittedly, love to make a point far beyond the point most people are comfortable.
I wasn’t satisfied with that fake apology. However, I knew nothing productive would come of this, so I just walked away and continued to the bartender, a woman, to pay my tab.
I immediately shared with the bartender what happened, probably because I wanted some validation from another human that what just happened was fucked up. She goes, “Oh, that's gross.”
I asked if she knew them. She said that she did not.
At that moment, I thought out loud: “You know what? I'm gonna put my food and my drink on his bill. Can you do that and make sure he pays it?”
And let me tell you, the bartender was really into it. I think she said, “That’s so cool. You're the coolest.” But I might be imagining that part.
Dude #2 and an alternative ending
While the bartender was punching in the bill (for Backwards Hat Dude to pay), one of the guys from the table came over to talk to me at the bar.
He came right in, no greeting or anything, as follows:
Dude #2: “I don’t want to be in the pictures.”
Me: “What pictures??”
Dude #2: “I saw you taking pictures. I don't want any trouble.”
Me: “Yeah well, then you shouldn't be friends with this guy.”
Dude #2: “Because, like, my mom just died.”
Firstly, yes, I took a few pictures of them as I spoke to the bartender. I wanted to remember them and this incident. I also always tell 10-20 friends when things like this happen, and they need to visuals!
Secondly, I looked at him as if to ask, “what else you got?” I didn't say, “I'm sorry for your loss,” not because I wasn’t sorry for his loss if it was even true, but even if it was because it had nothing to do with what just happened. Perhaps he wanted a break and some sympathy from me in case I wanted to make this table of guys go viral. I would have loved to not had this all happen too. But he had no regard for me.
Thirdly, I think it's manipulative of people to use their own sh1t to change the meaning of a moment and make it about themselves to their benefit.
Dude #2 revealed himself to be a sh1tty person in his own way. I actually expected him to reference what happened or vaguely allude to the fact that what his friend did was wrong–even fake apologizing on behalf of his friend.
No! He just didn’t want to be in the picture! He was only concerned about himself.
I let him know that I wouldn’t show his face anywhere. He left.
In an alternative universe, this is what Dude #2 and the third guy should’ve said in this situation.
“Hey, Backwards Hat Dude, that sucks, man. What the fuck are you doing? Like, stop doing this every five years when you see an Asian person!”
“My friend is a dickhead. Him being drunk does not excuse his racism even casual racism. That was racist, and I'm sorry that happened to you.”
“I'm not going to be friends with this guy anymore. We've always hated his moustache. And WTF is up with that backwards hat? We keep trying to flip it around because he looks so dumb with a backwards hat but he keeps flipping it back. It's embarrassing for all of us.”
Any of these would have been so great. But it simply wasn’t the reality I was living. Maybe these barfly men (I just heard that term) need to get a life.
Maybe this is what they do. They nurse a beer, hang out, and wait until ethnic women walk by and say “hello” in the first language that comes to mind from a country that they think is the same as another country they've heard about on cable television. They have cable television.
The real crime: post-show glow dimmed
I left the bartender and went back to my table to my comedian friends, who are not racists, and told them what happened. They were also like WTF.
I'll tell you the major crime committed in this hotel bar. Backwards Hat Dude ruined my post-show glow. You've heard of post sex glow? It’s the same for comedians. There's a window of time after a really good show when you’re high on a great performance, vibing with the crowd’s reaction, a meaningful comment by an audience member – all of it. Post-show glow could last an hour, the whole night, days, or even weeks. You should NEVER ruin this high for a comedian.
This dude ruined it for me.
As we walked out, a table of ladies on the other side of the bar yelled, “You were great!” to us. We accepted, had a quick banter that included thanks and left.
“You want a picture?”, we asked? “No, we’re good.”, they said. Ok I’m joking here.
That was still a nice little encounter, but the night was stained for me, with cheap drinks and backward hats.
I didn't stick around long enough to know if he actually paid, but I hope he did and that it made it a bit harder for him to make child support that month. LOW BLOW! I'm KIDDING, maybe! I hope he makes child support payments in full and on time to to all of his exes.
Microaggressions are a real fucking problem
You might think this is not real racism or a major aggression. You might think that it would have been easy for me to let it go or laugh it off. But I didn’t, because fuck this guy. And guys like this guy.
If you are on this guy’s side, me and this blog/podcast are not for you. Or we are, because maybe you should consider what it’s like to be on this side of the dynamic.
Many would say, “Oh, give him a break. He's just having fun."
Or, "Give him a break, he's flirting and doesn't know what to say."
Or, let it go. He's not really racist. He would never commit an actual hate crime.”
I get that he didn't punch me in the face or call me a slur. In measured response, I didn’t call the police or try to get him fired from any of his multiple jobs. But at the least, I needed to call it out and make it awkward for him.
Microaggressions and casual disrespect of women and people of colour are a real problem. They are not unrelated to major discrimination and serious hate crimes.
"Minor" sh1t like this happens so often. Each time seemingly innocuous to the outsider, and sometimes even to ourselves. We are expected to absorb it and be responsible for keeping the peace.
A few years ago, I took my mom and her friend to Whistler, and we were walking around in the village with my young daughter. Walking by us iIn the other direction, was a young Australian man walked by us holding a case of beer (he spoke was speaking loudly in an Australian accent, is how I know) with a female companion. As he passed us he said, “Konichiwa,” and mockingly did a deep bow (lowering his head with his hands together). No reason. This was for his own amusement. He wanted to pick on some Asian women and withdraw from their dignity that day.
I glared at him, wanting so badly to walk towards him and get back at him. I thought of taking his case of beer and smashing it over his head. I thought of screaming into his face and making him come back to apologize, kneeling before them like a samurai (I love a theme), and then perform seppuku on himself. Or at least cry. I have fantasized all of this a few times over multiple years.
I don’t think my mom and her friend noticed. If they did, they ignored it. Because I was with two senior citizens and one small child, so I did nothing but stew in anger. It angers me now to think of it.
Similar situations have happened at least a dozen times in my life, that I remember. I'm done. I absorb no more. I'm the opposite of a sponge (note to self to come up with a cute term for this).
Regrets? I have a single one
My only regret is that I didn’t get more to drink or eat on his tab.
Do I regret my reaction? No. I didn't overreact at all. I was cool as an Asian cucumber.
I have considered that maybe I caused this. I drew attention to myself because, being so happy in my post show state. I was open and smiling in public. How stupid of me!!! I looked approachable and forgot to put my resting bitch face on. I won't do it again.
If you see me out in public and I look angry and approachable, please know that it's my armour. I want you to come to my shows and laugh. Plug for my current tour: juliekimcomedy.com/shows.
A message to Backward Hat Dude
Wait - why am I talking directly to you? You’re probably not reading or listening to the podcast. You probably didn't click on a blog or podcast with an Asian woman on the front artwork.
Unless you thought this was a language podcast or blog and you really still need to know what “nihooooo” means. I'm assuming you can read, or have a friend who can read this to you.
Maybe somebody has forwarded you this podcast/blog and said:
“Backwards Hat Dude, is this fucking you? She showed a picture on her website and blog.”
“She showed a picture of you with your eyes blanked out, but it had your ridiculous little moustache and your stupid backwards hat.”
“We've been telling you for 20 years, stop wearing a backwards hat. You're fucking 49 dude, and stop being racist.“
Don't assume you know where people are from. Next time an Asian woman walks by, don't assume she speaks three languages and spit snippets of words at her. Don't assume that she is responsible for teaching you things. It's also so cheap to not buy a dictionary, take a language course, or watch a free YouTube video for God's sake.
Don't assume what country she's from, and don't assume she even wants to talk to you. She probably doesn't.
Don't assume that even if they look like someone who's from a country, that they know that language. I for one, was born in Canada and speak only Canadian English. I would like to learn Korean, actually. But I'll be resourceful about it not try to learn one phrase at a time, burdening stranger walking by me on Saturday nights at a bar.
You could’ve talked into your phone to find out what it meant, but instead you talked to me, which I hope you regret. If you never do that to an Asian woman again, I’ll be really happy. I'll be satisfied.
You’re now a blip to me, Backwards Hat Dude, but thanks for the story and podcast episode.
Goodbye, Vernon, BC, and everyone
One day, I will go back to Vernon, BC, because it was a great show in 2024. I also really enjoy the whole interior of British Columbia overall.
Honestly, I don't give a shit if that guy's there. I think a bigger person would be like, and I'll invite him to my show, he'll apologize, and we'll make amends. Just like how some people are like, “I made friends with the person that drove drunk and killed my son.” That's probably not me. I don't have a son. That I know of.
The world will be a better place if we all try to focus on being kind and respectful to each other, and less ignorant. We have to hold each other accountable and remind each other what that even means. I for one, will try to stop making fun of peoples' stupid moustaches and backwards hats. Next year.
Thanks for reading, everyone else.
Comment or rate below! If you have a story to share that could be related to a future episode or this one, email us at bothered@juliekimcomedy.com.
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