Mother's Day Rage: A Grown Woman’s Tantrum

Mother's Day was this past Sunday, and if you're like many women with male partners and children, you were underwhelmed, at least.  This is what I heard based on a surprisingly popular post that I made for Mother's Day.

I shared a story about one of my first Mother's Days and a meltdown because I didn’t feel appreciated. I thought I was sharing a little story that people would find relatable, but I had no idea how passionate people would be about it and just how common the experience is.

We all watch TV and movies, and we see the best of people in their relationships on social media, so it’s easy to assume we're the only ones sometimes disappointed or underwhelmed by the lack of romance, but by the lack of basic fucking consideration in relationships.

Mother's Day is a unique holiday that I have disliked for a very long time. A lot of my female friends feel the same because it represents a day of a little bit of disappointment, but also the mental load and work we take on for others, including our own mothers, grandmothers, and mothers-in-law, and everybody else, because we have male partners. 

I never thought about this when I was young, but when you're the mother of a small child, it is up to your partner to help celebrate you on Mother's Day since small children don't have their own money to go to the mall or order you something from Amazon. So for many of us, when we're not appreciated on Mother's Day we become disappointed in our male partners.

I know a lot of what I say in my comedy as a stand-up comedian and podcaster has to do with the experience of a woman in a heteronormative relationship–because that is my life.

A Not So Happy Mother’s Day

I hesitated to tell this story because it exposes me to be an angry person, but if you follow me, you already know I like to share my rage. Rage coming from women and people of color is quite justified, and it has a place in relationships as well. 

A few Mother's Days ago, my little family went out for a drive, which was appreciated. As you may know, if you have a small child, sometimes just going out for a drive, like basic ground transportation, is an excursion.

So, we're in the car, and this is a conversation I had with my husband:

Husband: “Where do you want to go to eat?”

Me: “Wherever you made the reservation.”

Husband: “I didn’t make reservations. Where do you want to go?”

Me: “No, no, you make the decisions.”

We're just sitting there. There was a long pause.

I gently yelled at the top of my lungs: “What the fuck is this? It's Mother's Day! Why wouldn't you make a reservation? We're going out to eat. You knew it was Mother's Day!”

I basically screamed it, and it really shocked my husband. After he calmed down, I kept yelling.

Me: “Where the fuck are my flowers? There's no present. What even is this?”

Firstly, it was a very interesting choice not to have a reservation for the busiest brunch day of the year. Secondly, don't put the mental load back on me. Don't make me make all the decisions, especially on Mother’s Day – or any weekend or day really. 

Many people love to say, “Oh, women who are mothers are bossy.” You think I want to fucking be bossy? You think I want to make the plan? I would love not to make plans. I would love to know that you had a thought and made a reservation involving consideration.

This is why we get fed up with this kind of shit, honestly. I know mothers who had similar resentments but stayed quiet about it, which is their choice. I don't believe in staying quiet. The day I don't argue back with somebody in my family is the day that I have given up.

So, we were now in a fight, and the baby was sleeping in the back. She probably woke up—I can’t tell—she started crying, and her eyes were open. Who can know for sure?

Breaking Down the Meltdown

The fight continued, and my husband said a few things, but wasn’t super negative or toxically defending himself. Here are some things he said:

• "Well, Mother's Day is for mothers and you're not my mother." 

• "Oh, you don't even like flowers." 

• "Oh, Mother's Day is just a commercial holiday." 

Let’s break these defence statements down.

• "Well, Mother's Day is for mothers and you're not my mother." 

That's actually a really good point, which only reminded me I was the one who ordered flowers for his fucking mother. So, I became even angrier than before.

• "Oh, you don't even like flowers." 

Many people say they don't like flowers, but I think we mean that my first choice of gift is not flowers. However, if someone spent time and energy to buy me beautiful flowers, I would take them. I never said I didn't want them. I just said they're not my favorite, which is just a sign to get me something else on top of flowers.

I'll never be like, "Oh, get these fucking stupid flowers away from me.”  And you can say, "Oh, they're, you know, they would just die anyway," but you could say the same of all the produce that goes to waste in your kitchen—or any fucking plant—or people. It's just an excuse. Buy the fucking flowers. Buy me fucking flowers.

• "Oh, Mother's Day is just a commercial holiday."

You know, this makes it like every other holiday that we celebrate. I pointed out that the Super Bowl is also a commercial holiday. I make pizza, we order wings, dip, and all that kind of shit—even though I don't believe in football, head injuries, and making billions of dollars off of men for advertising space. It’s a commercial holiday that I celebrate because my husband cares about it.

Conflict, Communication, and Gift Certificates 

At this point, some of you might be thinking, “Oh, why are you so entitled? What makes you think you deserve all of this?"

I'm not asking for any treatment or special things. I celebrate fucking everybody in my family. I make Father's Day amazing. I make everybody's birthday great. I don't care if you don't believe in it. It's not that we're having a party because of me, it’s because I believe in celebrating people and being joyful. I want us to be excited.

For my child, that's really good for her self-esteem and will teach her that she is special. Maybe she will pass on the joy as she gets older and won't expect shitty treatment from men the way that many are used to experiencing.

All of this is to say: I made a big deal out of this fight isn’t because I couldn't go out and buy my own flowers, or we couldn't just find a place for brunch (which we did not, by the way), it’s because I believe, as a person (not even as a woman, as a person) in communicating what my needs and expectations are – especially when they are so fucking basic.

I am teaching my partner the basic treatment I would like most days to make it easier on us, to give us a chance to succeed, so that things are easier and not as awkward next time, especially on this one day, Mother’s Day.

I definitely stretched it out and leaned into it. I really wanted to make it known that I was disappointed and angry. At one point, he stopped the car and went walking. He returned 20 minutes later with a bouquet—some end-of-day, wilted flowers that he probably paid double for compared to buying them earlier or pre-ordering.

Is it a sick burn on me that we share an account, and this fight cost me more money? Yeah, but I really wanted to make a point.

I also made a point by saying it's not really about the gift. But also: Always get me a gift, preferably a gift card. I like to relax. I want a day at the spa.

The next year, he bought me a spa gift certificate.

Feeling under appreciated on Mother’s Day

I had no idea how much this story resonates with others. I thought some people in the comments would call me selfish or call me out for what I felt I was doing at the time — acting like a child.

Yet, the responses were overwhelmingly affirmative and positive. Many, mostly women, were in the comments, saying, “Girl, same,” or “This is triggering.” Someone even commented, “This is so impactful.”

There were so many that shared their own experiences of feeling unappreciated, shitty, and very, very angry about it. Clearly, this is a problem when so many people feel this way. 

It is not just about this one day. Mother's Day is indicative of a woman feeling unauppreciated—and being unappreciated. Mother's Day is symbolic and not easy to miss. There are flyers very early on.

What in carnation

At least the flowers were kind of nice. They were yellow roses. I don't think he had much choice at the end of the day, but they were okay. At least they were not carnations. I have been saying for a very long time that carnations are the worst fucking flower. 

How is that the flower of Mother's Day? Have you ever looked at the bottom of a carnation – it looks like a weed.

A commenter said carnations look like pencil shavings. I always thought that a carnation looks like a bunch of scribbles. In one of my jokes, I’ve said a carnation looks like if you blew your nose into a Kleenex and then put it on a stick with 100 others and sold them for $5.

Do better, everybody, than fucking carnations. They're so ugly.

What Moms Really Want for Mother’s Day

I've been collecting screenshots of Mother's Day flyers and they are fucking disgusting. 

One store had a sales section called “Mother's Day Stuff” and “Things for Mom.” I saw an Instagram ad for a food compost machine – Mom will love this, not! 

I walked by a grocery store on Salt Spring Island, BC, when I did a show there (which I loved and will visit again), but the big sign outside said something like, “Spend a certain amount of money and get a free cake for Mom.” A free, over-sugared, processed, wheat-free cake for Mom.

That's disgusting. I should have taken a shit on the grocery store’s front steps. I might one day go back and do that. No, I won’t. Sorry.

It's not just about feeling

appreciated on Mother’s Day. It’s feeling under appreciated the whole year. 

Decision fatigue, the mental load, and doing too much are real. This offloading of the effort burden makes a woman feel like a servant. Mother’s Day sounds like giving a servant a day off and manipulating them to feel grateful, and then they're on the clock again tomorrow.

How weird is it that a lot of women’s sentiments are:

• I don't even want a big present or a trip for Mother's Day.

• I just want to be left alone.

• I just want a couple of hours for myself.

• I just want to sleep in.

• I just don't want to make decisions.

That's what women are saying. It's like, just for one day, not to do anything, and to nap or something.

Another real life story comes from one of my girlfriends when she texted me, “I fucking hate Mother's Day. I made a reservation for lunch for two mothers—her and her husband's mothers. I notified the grandmothers of the plans. I bought cards and got the kids to sign. I make the kids say, ‘Happy Mother's Day.’”

It is so funny that she’s the one who has to plan and accommodate, plus it’s Mother's Day for her, too. What a load of shit. Fuck you all.

Relationship Short Term Loss, Long Term Gains

Anyway, this sounds like it might be unpopular. Still, I feel like what I did that day, when I was screaming and made a big point to over-communicate my anger, did a favor for my marriage and my husband. I was being very clear about the level of respect and consideration that I thought that I deserved, which, again, is no more than I give to them daily. I invested in that argument.

Is it fun to fight? Actually, I kind of enjoy fighting a little bit. It's not always fun to make other people feel uncomfortable or ruin a whole day for my family, but I did. I purposely ruined that day, which was an investment in our future.

We knew a lot of couples who kept things in. We've known many of my daughter's friend since she was small, like in daycare, and many of their parents are no longer together. Nine out of ten times, the woman has had enough.

This is just what it is. I'm not even guessing. Mothers and women have been disappointed over and over again: birthdays, holidays, just everyday treatment.

I would never point the finger at someone for not doing enough—it’s not like that at all. I have known a lot of quietly resentful people. We know what happens when you're quietly resentful towards the other person. You act differently. You're not connected. Slowly, there is an erosion of love, quite frankly, and consideration and feeling. Then, resentment and contempt get in there. That is when it is over.

So yes, this is one time—one of the few times—I really dug in and made a point of having a tantrum for my husband. We have not had that issue since.

Because I killed him.

No, I'm just kidding.

Does my husband do something for me on Mother’s Day yearly, and is it contrived? Do I know he's doing it because he's scared of me? Yeah, kind of,  but he knows he should fucking be scared of me. He knows this is necessary to keep our family together, which is important to him and me. 

Happy Mother’s Day

In closing, I completely acknowledge that Mother's Day, Father's Day, and every other holiday are quite commercial. It's just a symbol.

Maybe the reason why mothers are so triggered and disappointed is because they feel unappreciated every day. 

Maybe if the world were a fairer place. Maybe if the workplace and society were more fair towards women and mothers. Maybe if partners and families treated women and mothers with more respect. Just maybe if women and mothers didn’t hold all of the mental load and decision-making all the time, we might not have to put so much emphasis on Mother's Day.

I'm glad to have more fucking respect every day, get thanked more, or receive a nice card on Mother’s Day. Still, I want to go to the spa.

It’s such a big deal because our expectations are high compared to what they are every other day—this is the hill I will not die on. I'm going to live on it. I'm going to climb to the top of this hill.

We need better treatment of women and mothers. Everybody does better —everybody in the family and society — if you treat women better.

To the dads who are like, “Well, I don't get flowers. Why should you get flowers? What is the purpose of all of this?”

You cannot separate the well-being of your child. If you care about your child or children at all, you have to care about their mother's well-being. If you don’t care about their mother's well-being, she will get angry and have a tantrum.