A Mom Lesson on Confrontation, Parenting, and Public Scolding by Random Old Ladies

Have you ever been scolded by a stranger or had a public parenting confrontation? I actually have, like, multiple times. My current level of tolerance for it is non-existent.   

Working Mom and Nap Tme Struggles 

This story happened in September 2020 during the pandemic (heard of it?). Like many people, my husband and I worked from home, but we had a small child who would have been in daycare—except daycares were closed. So, we settled into this routine of both of us working but taking half-day shifts during the workday.

On this particular day, my husband had the morning, and I took the

afternoon. I preferred afternoons because that's when my daughter would nap. Do I prefer it when my daughter is unconscious? Sometimes! But also, nap times used to be opportunities for optimal efficiency. I could take her out on a stroller, get my steps in, sometimes stop to work, and make some calls.

I was a very good mother that day. I initiated a play date with safe distancing outside. The only thing that was transmitted was FUN. I walked my daughter-in-stroller to the other end of downtown. We had a little shopping trip. She was very small, so I’d say that the shopping was mostly for me. We had bubble tea. I'm now realizing that maybe caffeine factored into this story.

Anyway, I was doing all these great things as a mother, and all I needed was for my daughter to take a nap at or before a specific time. Because I had a call. But alas, she was not asleep when it was time for the call.

So, I somewhat pleaded with her. I said, “Please sit and be quiet, and Mom's just gonna be on the phone.” Well, I get on the phone, and she starts yelling for the first time all afternoon. I don't know if she was fucking with me on purpose and just wanted to ruin my call. Often, it feels like my child is doing that to get a rise out of me, or maybe it was just very poor timing.

As soon as I got on the call, she suddenly wanted to talk, scream, and climb out of her stroller. This was all very distressing. So, I put myself on mute temporarily and just yelled, “I told you to be quiet! I need you to be quiet for five minutes!!!!!” I may have also said, “Aaghhhhhhhhhh!”

A Lesson on Public Confrontation

Suddenly, out of the corner of my eye, I saw a hand come in. It was the hand of a very, very old, nosy lady. I didn't yet know she was nosy, but an old lady's hand just came on top of my hand, which was on the stroller–at the height of a pandemic.

This lady's face came right up to my face, and she said loudly and smugly as she glared at me up close, “You need a better parenting style!” She seemed satisfied with herself.

My important call became immediately less important. My immediate reaction was to yell back at this lady.

I hung up the call and just started yelling at this old lady. I said such things as:

• "Get the hell out of my face.”

• “You stupid old lady.”

• “Who the fuck do you think you are, you dumb cunt?”

• “Get out of my face.”

• “You're not my kid's parent.”

• “I don't know when the last time you parented was, but 50 years ago, you probably didn't fucking work.” 

• “Get the fuck out of my face.”

It was not eloquent. I just swore a lot. I was grasping for profanities. 

You know what she did?

She got the hell out of my face. She didn't linger for even half a second, even though moments before that it was very important for her to get all up in my face to scold a lesson at me. That’s how strong her conviction was. She abandoned the matter the second it got inconvenient for her. 

And that STILL bothers me. She didn’t even hold her ground to argue back. If she was legitimately worried about the wellbeing of the child she would have defended the child some more. And GOD FORBID an old lady sees a mom who’s lost her cool and frustrated and tries to actually help without judging or scolding. 

No. She thought she’d take a little opportunity to shit on or scold another woman, a woman of colour, who was a mother who was younger than her, for her own fucking satisfaction. The second she felt uncomfortable starting this public parenting confrontation–she was fucking gone.

That's how I know it's a microaggression. She never would have done it to a man, or maybe a woman who looked a little bit more like her, but I knew that it was my job, it was my mission in life at that second, to scare her.

So I did. 

She started walking as fast as she could in the direction we were originally walking (I was originally in front of her, but now she sped up ahead and was accelerating big time). She was with her husband — I could tell because they were matching. Matching outfits and Saucony shoes (note that I mistakenly call these New Balance shoes in the video/audio versions). They also had.

Here’s a picture of them that I’ve re-constructed to show a different street for everyone’s privacy. 

This was in downtown Vancouver, BC Canada. But the only stock footage of a street I could find that worked fairly well looked more European. I bet they’ve been to Europe several times so she could yell at women there too.  

Yelling Is Good For You

You know what?!? I am a yeller. When I'm angry, I yell. I don't keep many things in. 

I should try harder to regulate my emotions in some situations and like everyone else, I have work to do. Many parents are yellers, and many of them don’t admit it.

I was once at Walmart with my kid who was doing VERY UNREASONABLE THINGS, so I yelled a bit to get my running-away-from-me kid in check, and a man walked by and said to me, “Don't yell at your kid.” He was with his two kids. My daughter and her friend told me that they heard the same man yelling at his kids in the parking lot earlier. LOL what a loser.

There are some people who like to publicly scold a stranger. And a lot of the time they do it to women and mothers. It’s a form of bullying and micro-aggression, because in most cases they wouldn’t do it to a man or someone who for whatever other reasons seem more threatening to them.

As an Asian woman I’ve received a bunch of dismissive and hostile treatment by strangers and I believe that it’s because people don’t expect someone like me to talk back (or yell back, in my case). 

I give every parent a pass for yelling. Not that it’s the best thing to do in most circumstances but it’s understandable. Kids and parenting are frustrating. And you know what? Many of us mothers are doing too much, and we don't have enough support. We certainly don't get enough credit for everything we're doing and take on enormous mental loads. So yeah, some of us are going to be yelling once sometimes.  

Slowly Walk Away … In The Same Direction

Anyway, back to the situation. 

These two older people just started walking away really fast. REALLY FAST. And I was walking really fast behind them. 

The husband wanted nothing to do with it. He and his volunteer public parenting coach wife just sped away in their Saucony’s. I didn’t see them turn their heads or even glance at each other. They just walked forward.

Maybe he was too used to these scenarios. Like, who knows how many times this has happened, and he's just thinking in his head, Damn it, Sheila, why the fuck did you have to do this again? Do this on your own time. Why are you messing with another Asian woman who's mothering? Like, stop giving people advice. They fucking hate it. Now we’re being menacingly stalked by a lady with a baby stroller.  

By that point, I had stopped screaming obscenities, but I stood there menacingly behind them as we were all waiting at a crosswalk. My daughter had actually piped down. Maybe she gets soothed by the sound of altercations and swear words. 

I also forgot about the call completely. I imagine the people on the call being like, What happened to Julie? She scheduled this call. I don't even remember. I just hung up, and then I was in a fight with an old lady (who started it).   

It was not like I was being aggressive and purposely stalking them. It was more that I was going that way anyway because, as it turns out, we live in the same building. LOLOL. 

Hello, Neighbour

When we reached the front of the building and saw the old man turn into OUR building I thought, Oh my God, what are we going to do? Are we all going up? In the same elevator? Am I going to their home to finish this incident? 

This man went right into the building without even communicating with his wife. I don't know what happened, but I assume that their plan was going to be to go to the grocery story together (he was holding the re-usable bag - they are friendly to the environment but not to mothers in distress and yelling a little). So, my guess is that he pulled the plug on being part of that plan and just went into the building. He didn't even look at or talk to her.

She went straight, but without the re-usable bag. I realize this only now as I look at the photos that I took of them. 

I had a decision, a literal fork in the road. Do I turn right and go home (and look like I’m following the man) or do I follow the woman and go straight?

People, I went straight! I wanted more out of this situation. What did I want? I didn’t know! But I didn’t mind the idea of making this woman uncomfortable the way she had made me feel uncomfortable. I wasn’t planning to do anything criminal, but I wasn’t going to let her off the hook yet. I wanted the potential of some sort of revenge. 

Scared Straight At The Grocery Store

I followed her on the street, with my now strangely quiet baby. I walked behind her for a very long time. Every time we turned a corner, I looked to see if she was watching because it would have given me extreme satisfaction to know that she shit her pants or pissed her pants. I did look at her pants to see, but no wetness came out.

She walked very fast for an older woman, and props to the Saucony shoes there.  

Ironically, I left the grocery store only because I had to pee, not because I was a bigger person. But I think I had enough of it, and I didn't really give a shit to continue the altercation.

Also, I didn't want to have a full-blown fight in front of my child, who may be at this point was sleeping, but I wasn't sure because I was laser focused on this fucking old bitch who decided to use me as a reason to feel superior about herself that day.

Was that the end of it? Was that the last time I ever saw her? No, because again she lives in my fucking building, and guess what? The next time I saw her (or registered that I saw her), it was a year and a half afterwards. I don't know if she saw me after or if she knew it was still me.

Getting the Last Smile

We were going into an elevator, my daughter and I. She was walking by this point. This lady came into the elevator and smiled at my child and said, “I like your dress!” My daughter said, as she has been taught to say, “Thank you.”

Then I realized that it was that old lady and NOOOOOOOOOO! I got really fucking angry because that woman got to close the loop on our interaction by having a sweet moment with my child that she enjoyed. Had I realized at the time it was her when she said, “That's a nice dress,” I might have said, "Fuck you, lady,” and left the elevator. Or, I might have covered my daughter and said, “Don't talk to mean old ladies who scolded mom a year and a half ago.” But no, I didn't, and I don't know if I actually would do that because that's such a weird fucking thing—but I really wanted to do it.

To this day, it bothers me that this woman got to have a nice moment with the child. Maybe she knew who I was and realized we had this altercation a year and a half ago and to her it is closed now. 

Maybe she resolved and redeemed herself from that stupid, dumb microaggression because she got a smile from my child and got to compliment her. I hate it.

I've also seen her a couple of times since the public parenting confrontation. Maybe a month ago, I was rounding the corner, and I saw somebody coming toward me. I turned the corner and gave a generic neighbour smile, but it happened to be her, and she smiled. I was already smiling because I didn't know it was her! She got a smile out of me! She got my baseline neighbour-like smile. I tried to take it away as fast as possible but didn’t wipe it off my face in time..

And then a few weeks ago, I saw her walking out of the building. I was walking in, and there was a dad with a stroller. She was so pleased. She was like, Oh, the cute baby, and she looked at me excitedly and wide-eyed as if to say, Isn't that a cute baby?

I was prepared this time! I gave her the hardest straight-faced glare. Less than nothing. 

Compassion or Chaos?

I saw this old lady recently in our lobby one other time.  

This last time, she was slowly walking with the assistance of a walker. I did have a moment of compassion (maybe it wasn’t compassion but shock) but more than that I had a very, very strong urge, to go up to her and say, “You need a better walking style!”

Because I love a call-back.

My husband would DIE if I did that. 

BUT WAIT. More recently, my husband told me that he saw her, and this time she was in a wheelchair. 

IN CLOSING I think the moral of this story is that old ladies should not scold a woman or mother out in public for any style of parenting she is doing when she’s just surviving. And if you do… you might end up in a wheelchair.   

Thank you.