You Can’t Sit With Us: Family Seating Bias At Restaurants

Have you ever felt unwelcome at a restaurant or other dining establishment, especially with a small child? Even if you don't have a small child, maybe you have no idea that this sort of thing happens, but there is a thing that happens where people with small children are definitely discriminated against.

My husband and I have always wanted to maintain our lifestyle after having our daughter, including eating food we like and going out to restaurants when possible. We have met some people who have never gone out with their small babies or children at restaurants because they fear being judged or messy. Still, it's been something that we've always wanted to do. These situations have happened a few times, enough that I wanted to make an episode out of it. This situation happened very close to where I live, in Vancouver, BC, Canada.

Adult Versus Family Zones In Restaurants 

I went to a restaurant that had a lounge or wine bar. I went with my cousin, who was visiting from out of town, and my child, who at the time was under one year.

I went up to this maitre'd and said, "We'd like a table for three, please, or a table for two and a high chair. We'd love to sit here at this table by the window." Here's how the rest of the conversation went:

Him: "Oh, yeah, we like to reserve this space for over 19."

Me: "Oh, is it because of alcohol?"

Him: ".... Yeah..."

Me: "Oh, is it like a law that you can only have adults over here? Is this like a no-children area?"

Him: "Well, we like to make it like that."

Me: "What do you mean? Do you just prefer to have adults here?"

Him: "Yeah, this is just like the ambiance. We just want to have an adult space."

Me: "So, it's not a licensing issue, and it's not anything that has to do with any law."

Him: "No."

Me: "Well, then we would like to sit over here."

I honestly thought his spirit left him, and he had the giant-est sigh ever, and he went, "Allllllllll right then."

He grabbed some menus, flopped his body, and brought me to the requested table.

This host reminded me of Jim Carrey when he's like, alrighty then, except when Jim Carrey does it, it's very friendly and funny. I love Jim Carrey, but this guy was just kind of like a little bitch who took it upon himself to make up a rule, not even a rule, a preference that he had, or maybe he was talking on behalf of the establishment.

This all smells an awful lot like seating discrimination, definitely hardcore capital "D" discrimination.

I don't like being told where I can or cannot sit because, in this instance, it definitely felt like a bias.

I wasn't rude, so if nothing were actually keeping us from sitting there, I would like to sit there, and... it was much cooler over there!

I'm an adult, and I maybe needed wine, and I wanted to have a break, and I wanted to sit somewhere with my cousin with a nicer view and ambience than their much more lame restaurant area, which I had frequented several times.

I just wanted not to have seating discrimination done against me.

What is the big deal of putting a small child in an area you want to keep for adults? Was my baby ruining anybody's time? She wasn't being loud, couldn't run around, or did anything distracting because she was in a baby chair.

And I get it, right. The presence of a baby and a baby chair definitely takes away from the nightlife vibe, but it was early evening in the summer, and it wasn't even dark out.

There was no loud music, nothing like that. It was wrong because the host just wanted to make an adult-only space. So, I did not let the host win at all, which makes me someone who stands up for their rights.

That stands out because I had to go back and forth several times, but it also made me realize how often we've been discriminated against.

You Can’t Sit With Us

Another time, we were at a chain restaurant (for scale, it's a place where you order a $35 steak and a happy hour drink for like that cost $15 - not high end but also not cheap).

So every time we went to this restaurant, including this time, we noticed we’d get seated at a very bad table. I'm not talking about being necessarily beside the bathroom or a speaker, but at a bad table far away from everybody else.

We asked for a table for the three of us: my husband, child, and myself. The host didn't even ask us if we preferred inside or outside. They just ushered us on the balcony next to an unmanicured bush. They just seated us beside a bush. We were the only ones on the balcony, too.

I don't know if they wanted us to be beside something that absorbs sound, assuming we would go in there and be obnoxious. 

They just sat us at this lame table away from everyone else and everything else, including the TVs where we could at least watch a sports game. But to seat us outside, without even establishing our preference, felt like the restaurant wanted to keep us far away from everyone else.

There was a time when this happened to us when I asked, “Did you seat us here because we have a child?” Of course, the hostess denied it, “No! We just assumed you wanted some privacy.”

We have privacy, ma'am – all the time – at home, where we live together. We go out to be out and to see people. I want some background noise. I want to hear some music. I want to watch TV.

And I'm a comedian. I want to see people. I want to watch an awkward first date. I want to talk to my husband about why that couple over there is not talking. Or, I want to see a breakup! I want to see awkward situations where coworkers hang out when they would never hang out. I want all of that.

I don't want to sit alone in a corner with my family. I've been calling this out every time, and it's happened a lot.

Not the McDonald’s Playland

Once, we went out to a place we liked and visited often. This place was like a brewery, and we noticed we were seated in an area with 10 other families with small children. 

So now we're at a McDonald's PlayPlace. I don't want to sit around other children. You should disperse us fairly evenly across the restaurant like we're actual people. I don't want a fucking fringe area of a restaurant that's excessively loud and obnoxious.

These ill-mannered kids were running around and bumping into my kid. Now, we have to talk to these families. Do you know how loud 40 children are in one-in-one areas of a restaurant? It was obnoxious. 

Of course, we get noticed more. I don't mind a dirty look. I will, head-on, confront a dirty look. I will nudge my child to be louder if you ever give my kid a dirty look for being a normal kid and making a normal amount of noise. I do not bend to dirty looks from people, especially old men and ladies looking over with their special judgy eyes, head-shaking mannerisms, and how they'd think about what they would have done in their day. I hate those people the most.

A Social Experiment: A Table for Three, Please

We go anywhere with a kid's menu. It is understood that kids are welcome. But let me take it back to what I was saying before. We've been discriminated against, and here’s what I've done (I love a social experiment). My husband used to hate it when I did this because it would be very awkward for him, but we learned that, in many cases, we were being discriminated against.

I told my husband to hold back, to stay back with our child, just around the wall, around the corner, or maybe pay for parking. I said, “I'm going to ask for the table.”

For context, normally, if they see your child of a certain size, they'll ask, “Do you need a kids menu, crayon, or a high chair or a booster chair?” These are all great questions, but I know what they're thinking. They’re planning to act on seating discrimination against us in the shitty section where nobody can see our dirty little secrets, and our noise can't reach the other patrons they respect like normal people – unlike us with a child. 

So, I went up to the hostess and asked for a table for three, but I didn’t inform them that a child was at our party. In this case, she didn't even ask if we wanted anything because I just said three people, which is true: our child is a person, and so are we. We are people who deserve respect.

So, the hostess took three adult menus and brought me to the table. I said broadly, “Oh, they're coming.” I got seated at a very nice table in the middle of the restaurant. Then my husband and the child came. I don't want to lie or overemphasize that it would be a great story to say that the hostess afterwards looked at me like I had betrayed her. No, it was nothing like that.

I baited and switched a little bit. All I did was advocate for myself in a situation where I didn’t want to be discriminated against. So, I think what I did was just fine. We sat in the middle of that restaurant, which caused very little fuss, and we had a nice meal with a nice ambiance that three normal people deserve.

We're pretty good at eating out; we'll bring an iPad every time. We know when to bring it out and don't put it out loud on speakerphones. We don't have it there the whole time. If we did, it would be our business. We don't let our kid yell or scream or throw things. Has that happened? Sometimes, yes, and some days, they are better than others.

Like I said, I did not feel bad eating out with a small child. I am not one of those who overly apologize for the behavioural baby's behaviour.

Seat Us With Respect!

When I go out without my child, and I do, I'm on the road. I go to restaurants and bars by myself. I don't mind a baby around me. I don't mind a little bit of baby noise. The one thing that I do actually mind, and I don't impose this on other people, is people expecting me to interact with their baby.

Babies are cute. They stare sometimes, which I don't really mind. Maybe they've heard of me and my comedy. However, the problem is when some parents expect you to indulge their children. Your child is walking up to me or turning around and saying, “Hi,” or I'll wave one fucking time, but I'm not spending all of my time playing peek-a-boo for an hour. I’ve seen people do that. Good for you if you have nothing else to do. My child and I want to be alone at the restaurant. I would never let my child turn around and play peek-a-boo for an hour with another person trying to have fun at a restaurant. 

Another thing about dining out with small children is that many people with kids contribute a lot to restaurants. We go out and stress out, sometimes being there with our children, so we drink. Sometimes we drink a lot and make a mess, which I always try to help clean up.

And you know what we do? Sometimes, we tip. Okay, we tip often—a lot. I have never tipped the bare minimum when I've been out with my child because I know that a server may work a little bit harder to accommodate with special cutlery or extra maraschino cherries for a Shirley Temple or something like that. So, I will always give extra to the establishment that treats us well. 

Also, many restaurants suffer from fewer patrons, so families often try to have a good time by eating out and helping restaurants stay alive. Imagine what would happen if people with kids or families didn’t go out to eat. That would be a bad situation for a lot of us, anyway. 

The main point is that I want to keep going out to eat, don't want to fight about it, and sit in a normal place and be cool.