Why Interracial Marriage Still Sparks Hate: An Asian Comedian's Story

Get ready to be  Bothered with comedian Julie Kim as she discusses the backlash she has received from trolls online for having a white husband. She addresses the likely purposeful sloppy use of the term “Oxford study” and other tropes projected onto her by mostly or only male accounts on social media and YouTube. 

She shares various low-brow and mis-spelled comments she's received. She explores possible and comic reasons that some Asian women might stay away from SOME Asian men (but mostly their parents). Special shoutout to Shane XXX who scolded her in her DMs and assaulted her with bad spelling and non grammar, when he should have been looking in the mirror and working on himself.   

Happy Asian heritage month or AAPI Heritage Month to everybody – except for Shane XXX [identity protected], you piece of shit. He is one of a startling number of people who have come for me online, in Instagram DMs, YouTube comments, and emails, criticizing or hating me for having a white husband. 

As a stand-up comedian, I've taken a lot of angles in my comedy about being an Asian woman with a white husband.

One is against the trope that Asian women do it for social status, and I joke that actually lol no. 

In another, I make fun of a caucasian guy who wore sushi underwear on a first date with an asian woman.

In yet another, I call out a guy who's friends outed him as having an Asian fetish.

I joke that my caucasian husband is aging faster than me not because of race but because he does straight man skincare.

I play around - on this topic and a lot of others. l like to speak on truths but I also love the absurd. Some of these jokes are older. They're not my best work, but I'm a work in progress like we all are and that's ok. Sometimes I remove and refresh content. We're all curating.

I've said, based on some truth, that I enjoy being with a Caucasian partner because, in general, Asians age a little bit slower than other races, including Caucasian, and I enjoy the benefit of looking like my husband's adopted Asian daughter. Is this an exaggeration? Yeah, it's a giant fucking exaggeration!  

In another joke, I say that we didn't traditionally see a lot of Asian male representation in the media until fairly recently. In short, I didn't know that there were so many good looking, tall, hot Asian men out there, and I've made a giant fucking mistake. Is that a joke? Yeah, that is also a fucking joke. 

This topic will not die. Will this never die? This whole thing about the Asian fetish, yellow fever, and “rice king.” 

Receipts, Proof, Timeline, Screenshots

Recently, a lot of people have been commenting on content from Asian females who have white partners, the term “Oxford study,” with no context. No debate, no rationale. 

“Oxford study” has become a thing that people online say based on a false narrative that Oxford published a study about Asian women and Caucasian men.

I'm going to share some of the comments with you.

What!? As if being mad at strangers because they don’t date within your race is a reasonable thing to do. There's a lot in there. I don't have time to unpack. This guy should go to therapy immediately.  

Next one. This man, not even Asian, wanted to weigh in. Plus, he has numbered bullet points. Even if this comment isn’t good, at least it will be organized.

Thank you for knowing that, Richard. There are so many things in here that are not fucking true. 

Firstly, my husband does not bring me status or better opportunities. No offence to him if he's listening, but that's not the thing.

Secondly, I'm not ashamed of Asian culture or Asian men at all. Some Asian men are the most amazing, attractive, and smart people I've ever met. So, I'm ashamed of nothing, except I'm ashamed for you, Richard, for going online and thinking you can fucking explain it to us. 

Thirdly, brainwashed into thinking "white" is superior. Well, at least that one takes the blame away because I can't blame you for being brainwashed unless it means you're mentally weak, which leads me to some comments from weak people. 

These are all from men, by the way. Women will rarely do something like go online and comment on somebody’s choice of a partner, whether it has to do with race or anything else. 

Here's another one:

This guy's complete guess, generalizing to all Asian women, is that we all think that Asian men look like my brother. When I was growing up, we lived in a neighborhood with predominantly Caucasian families and the only Asian men I knew were my dad and my brother. I was not attracted to them. 

The next one is from somebody named Frosty Friends. This one is confusing because I assumed someone named Frosty Friends would be nice, but they are not. They say:

SO MANY SPELLING AND GRAMMAR ERRORS FROM THESE MEN, ALWAYS!

And more. 

So, this guy is equating an Asian woman dating a white man to being in support of Asian hate. I never said that. 

This guy is sad about his little pee pee. 

And this is a little gem. 

Full of crap!? Watch your language, Henry Fung. Why do you think Henry Fung isn't getting it? Is it because he accuses most Asian women of being racist because they don't like him? Maybe this is a you problem, Henry Fung. Pathetic. 

LOL no, Mo. I fucking love myself. But I hate you. 

If these are truly Asian men behind these accounts, are they wondering why nobody's dating them? Are they wondering if the reason is anything other than themselves? It's easier to blame other people, and in this case, white men.

Don’t Tell Me What To Do

Back to Shane XXX. I do not know Shane. 

Here's the Instagram DM Shane sent me responding to my YouTube video that contains jokes  because I am a stand-up comedian. He took the time to write to me, someone he does not know, and gave his opinion of my motivations and mental state, and assaulted me with his horrible grammar. 

🤯

Firstly, because this will always be what I first wonder: Why can they never talk properly? OMG, Shane, not a hint of punctuation within sentences or even poorly constructed phrases you've mistaken for sentences. What an "utter fuckin shame."

He didn't even capitalize Asian. Are you self-hating there, buddy? I always capitalize Asian because I like to give the word proper respect. 

In the video he is alluding to, I was describing how a particular Asian man was good-looking and athletic. I guess people hate being called one or more of those things. I wonder what people call Shane? I don't think anyone calls him.

Yes, in the video I said, “I would look better standing beside an older and larger Caucasian man,” but why wouldn't I say that? It's hyperbole and the truth. Ask 100 Asian women and they'd say the same. But oh no, Shane, women don't talk to you. Instead of blaming yourself, your horrible misuse of language, and toxicity, you like to blame Asian women and DM them multiple times.

You wasted characters to type “Oh yeah sure okay” as if it’s a sentence that makes sense. 

The most offensive and untrue part of the DM was the, "Good thing your videos don't get many views anyway," part. Well, now you have angered me for real, Shane. Attack my identity, marriage, decisions, pride, that's one thing. But to say my "videos don't get much views" are fightin' words. 

I will have you know that just recently, I had a video go quite viral – 3.3 million views or something. I have had multiple videos hit a million views, or close to a million views, even on a single platform. I’m so frustrated to think that you can’t understand anything I’m writing here because you seem to be at least partially illiterate. 

He also said, "I'm sure you and your husband love each other, real talk." You don't fucking know that. I hate that guy. Lol, no, just no. Nobody needs your basic life lessons based on nothing. 

Maybe he didn't get the joke because when I said that, I implied punctuation. I pronounced words properly. Did that confuse him? 

I also fucking hate when people tell me what lessons they hope or think I need to learn. I learned nothing new except that YouTube is full of toxic and angry men. That old video was largely targeted by men (analytics are so useful) and like many female comedians I turn off comments sometimes. It's not a lack of will or fear, it's like arguing with a dumb person except a million of them. At least I'm out there grinding and creating stuff and not just hating in the shadows.

But while we're on the topic of learning, I hope you learn to write sentences good someday. 

Who Are You Even, My Troll? 

You think you know me? You think you can judge somebody based on something you find on the Internet, based on almost nothing?

I know that you went to university in Alberta. I'm glad you graduated from something, but it was surely not English. And you definitely didn't take any classes or wokrshops related to emotional maturity, basic human psychology, or human interaction. 

I know that your public Instagram page has lots of pictures of you alone and some with friends. Not even a shadow of a female in there. It’s all starting to make sense now. You’re not mad at me, you’re mad.

This is some toxic straight man shit and a topic that stings him where he has insecurities. I know he is not getting it. 

All other photos are of him alone (shocker) or with friends. A lot of white male friends. NO ASIAN FRIENDS, SHANE!? Shane, are you a self-hater? “Utter fuckin shame,” I say. 

I wonder what you really think of them. What would you think if any of them got an Asian girlfriend? Would you troll the girlfriend? You would not troll men because you respect men.

When your white friends get old and flabby, be sure to send me their numbers. You know that's what I love. 

Also, posing for pictures with cigars is peak male projection of  maleness. Since we’re sharing unsolicited advice here, you might want to stop with the cigars. I’d hate for you to get emphysema and chronic bronchitis on top of all your other blatant issues. 

Let's talk about the hypocrisy that's super easy to see on your Instagram account, which is sometimes private and sometimes public – unstable much?

Why such a nasty message from someone who calls himself a “true fun haver.” 

Who wants “good times only”. For himself, not the women he trolls online of course. You would think that someone who wants "good times only" would be able to recognize and take a joke. Come on, Shane! 🤣

He’s a “pro fun haver.” 

All this mention of “fun” but no clarification that your definition of “fun” is trolling female comedians, and that your other passion is bad writing. All this time on YouTube and you can't accidentally run into a tutorial on typing things that add value and make sense? SMH.

LOL you are someone who knows that “health is wealth” but sends DMs to people saying their “mentalitys fucked up” 👀

👀👀👀👀👀👀👀👀👀

What is the Actual Issue? 

Shane is one example of a lot of men who have made these comments and DMs. Although the DMS have been fewer, there is a sentiment out there that there is something wrong with Asian women for dating or marrying men who are not Asian. 

Let me share some things that might not be popular to say, but that's okay. Indeed, some Asian women don't date some Asian men, but some Asian men are like these guys who commented – like this guy, Shane – and we don't want any of it. 

It is true that growing up, a lot of us only saw white people as heroes or good guys, and that's okay.  That was what the media served us. It's like you go to McDonald's for some ice cream. Oh yeah, we have one flavor. What is it? It's white. And you're like, okay, I'll have that.

There are a lot of individual differences out there.

I wouldn't say it's self-hating to admit that in many Asian cultures, toxic masculinity and misogyny exist, which are not nice or safe for women, including Asian women, whom the Asian men tend to want to control. 

Outdated Expectations of Women

When I worked in corporate jobs, some of the most toxic men, who mistreated me the most and talked over me, were Asian men with even a little bit of power. 

Some of the most dismissive behaviours towards me have come from men of colour. 

I am interested to know the perspectives of other Asian women, women of colour, and women who have noticed how they get treated by SOME Asian men or men of colour once they get some power. This happens when men begin to pay attention to who they can step on and throw under the bus to uplift themselves. I've seen it happen and I've experienced it firsthand. 

Also, I already have a set of Asian parents who made me feel bad about myself in many ways. Why the fuck would I want another set of Asian parents? I have Asian male friends and I’ve seen the way their parents act when they bring home a woman, even an Asian woman. 

During university, I had a Korean friend who dated a very nice Korean woman. Still, his parents disapproved of her because her family came from a part of Korea many, many years ago where they were fishermen and happened to be low-income and uneducated people.

Why would I want that? Why would I want a set of in-laws like that? It would be fucking hell. Let me tell you, a lot of Asian parents and grandparents still expect servitude from Asian females. This is probably part of why many women in Japan and South Korea are just saying no, thank you, for all of this. 

Why would I want to get married, then work a job, take care of a child, serve my husband, plus care of my parents and my husband’s fucking parents? No, that's a bad deal. I'm not fucking doing it even in Canada or North America.

Older Asians are like, what if I married an Asian man? I'd have to stand there as his mom calls me fat and say thank you and bow to them. Fuck, it's true.

Spread the Trauma

Here's another thing: I have a lot of childhood trauma. I'm not afraid to say it.

I've realized it recently and many Asian Canadians and Asian Americans realize later on, "Oh shit, I was hit a lot."

Maybe I have an avoidant attachment style. So, I think marrying non-Asian people is just spreading the trauma a little bit and making ourselves whole. We can bring our half Asian children back together again because I'm not against Asian males as a whole. But fuck you, Shane XXX.

Anti-Anti-Asian

I’m allowed to dislike some Asian people and not be anti-Asian. 

Okay, I also take issue with the fact that people think that when you blame an Asian woman for being anti-Asian or self-hating, just because she is with someone from outside of their race? I am unequivocally not anti-Asian. 

I really love being Asian. Did I always? No. I grew up around only Caucasian people and seeing Caucasian people in the media. Sure, I wanted to be more like them, but who wouldn't have been as a small impressionable child at that time? I forgive myself. It's fine. 

One day, Shane, maybe you're gonna forgive yourself for being a troll. I don't care.

Good Luck, Shane XXX

Maybe in all that time you spend hating women and DMing people you don't know, you could be working on yourself. 

Go for a literal hike or go to the gym. Try to make some better friends. If you don't have good friends, read a Jay Shetty book or something like that. I highly recommend it. 

There are so many men out there who don't criticize women for dating outside of their race or anything else they do. The common thing those men have in common is that they are not losers – they are winners. Out there doing things for themselves and doing well.

You can change this for yourself (again, I’m only giving you advice because you’ve established we do that with/to each other). Don't go on the Internet and just troll other people. You want to be a winner, or you want to be you? You decide.