Dating, Rejecting, and Other Extreme Sports for Women

The other night, during a bedtime routine with my daughter, she said, “Mom, when I grow up, I want to have a kid." And I said, "Okay." She then added, "But I don't want to have a husband." To that, I replied, "Okay." She asked, "Is that okay?" I said, "Yeah, of course, that's okay. But are you sure you don't want a husband?" She replied, "Well, maybe so he can cook and clean," which was very hilarious but of course I don't condone the subservience of one gender for another, generally.

The same day I saw excerpts from a slightly bigger podcast than this one, featuring Charlize Theron on "Call Her Daddy with Alex Cooper." 

Charlize was talking about her life as a single woman with kids. She seemed so happy and was living her best life. I mean, she's probably living everybody's best life, people. I say this as a very happily married woman and as somebody whose husband is also currently in the room. 

On the podcast, Charlize talked about being on the apps and called it a total "clown show." Anyway, that reminded me of the whole era — and all the really bad dates — when I used dating apps. For the record, I'm not on them anymore because my husband doesn't approve, and also because I'm not a cheater.

Everyone I know and everyone you know who has used apps has had dating horror stories. This blog is about one of my bad dating stories and the problem with men's fragile ego when women reject them.

A Bad Date With A Bad Guy

This bad date happened in Victoria, BC. I had moved there for like a year where I was a student. I was doing a bit of comedy, and I was also on dating apps. When you live in a new place for a short time, it can be a little weird. You meet people, you hang out with them, and you try to be open, but, in truth, you're quite frankly hanging out with people who are not your people, and you're not their people either. 

Normally, the result is some weirdness. Anyway, I met a guy on a dating app, and he said he was 5'8". He suggested we meet at an outdoor festival. Since it was a summer day in Victoria, I said, "Okay." When I got there, I realized he was not 5’8”, because 5’8” is that "liar height" that men give when they're anywhere from 5 '5”-5’7.5”. 

I mean, guys who are really 5’8” say they're 5’9” and people who are 5’9” say they're 5’10”. Guys taller than 6 feet do not lie about their height because they're very confident in their 6 feet and above height.

Anyway, I digress. So I met this guy, and he's not 5'8”. It was a lie, but it's also one of those standard lies, but it doesn't make it okay.

Honestly, I don't remember what he looked like because he looked like every other guy. I don’t mean to offend him, I just don't remember the specifics. He had short, brownish hair, and facial features that were just normal. He was just a regular guy, neither unattractive nor attractive. All I knew was that he was also new to the city and had recently moved there to help open a restaurant.

Our date was just a matter of walking around outdoors, which is a very British Columbia thing to do. We sat a few times to watch stuff like outdoor shows or a busker. The one thing I found a bit weird on this date was that this guy was a bit too touchy. He sat a little too close, and he wanted to hold hands even though we had just met. 

I’m not a touchy person. Probably because nobody touched me when I was a child — no hugs, or "I love yous,” or kisses. As an adult, I will say it is what it is, but it also means that you grow up into someone who doesn't automatically incline to physical affection. Even so, I knew this guy was crossing a line that made me uncomfortable. 

So the date ends, and I go home. Later that night, he texted me saying, “Oh, I had a nice time.” I thought, “Did you?” because it was just okay to me. He asked if I wanted to hang out again. 

Maybe this is my fault. I have always been pretty straightforward. I don’t say “maybe” when the answer is “no.” I don’t think I’ve ever ghosted anybody, but maybe I should have, because my reply was, “You know, I wasn’t feeling it, but I hope you are well.” One of those sign-offs, right? Like, “Take care. I wish you the best.” You know, all those things we say that we actually don’t mean. I wish you the best, but I won’t be there to see if it happens.

this but not hot

I thought it was respectful, straightforward, and not at all rude. I stated my truth. And his response said, "Okay, but remember that I know where to find you." Although he didn't know where I lived, I did share that I was doing stand-up comedy at local shows. 

So, his response to being lightly and mildly rejected after an afternoon of walking outdoors together for like an hour was to threaten me!

He wasn't a big guy, so I could have totally taken him (and still can in case he's tuning in).  

I could not believe that Dave (or whatever the fuck his name was - it was definitely Dave) exhibited such fragility! A 'normal' response would have been: "Okay, well, thanks for your time anyway". That would signalled that he was decent and balance. But no - his first response is to put this broad looming threat on me that he knows where to find me to do whatever he wants to do? 

My response was something like, "Well, I'm glad I've got this screenshot in case I need to show the police." Block. 

First Dates In Public Only 

Unfortunately, many people have much worse stories. We're seeing a lot of things in the news about the big theme here, which is that some people cannot take rejection.

There are a lot of stories out there of girls and women being harmed, in worse cases, killed, because a man has felt rejected by them. It's a scary place out there. 

So, I knew a woman in Toronto who went on a first date at a coffee shop. She arrived and texted, "Hey, I'm here." Her date wrote back to say, "Oh, I'm coming down in five minutes. I live upstairs." When five minutes passed, he said, "Oh, actually, why don't you just come upstairs?" 

This woman, because she wasn't in the mood, began to realize that it wasn’t a good idea. She had never met this man before, and she was a grown woman who knew enough to say, "Yeah, I'm not coming to your place to meet you," probably because she didn't want to be murdered. 

Then he started berating her, calling her really bad names, including "slut."They started saying that she was being so difficult and asking, "Why can't you just be easy-going and just come upstairs?" At this point, I'm surprised a guy didn't send like a fucking dick pic and a picture of the knife that he was gonna use to stab her. It's so ridiculous. 

In the end, she left. 

When Saying No Becomes Dangerous

In this day and age, we all know people who have been on the apps and have these stories. We have all had these stories ourselves, and it's really disgusting. 

This has been on my mind quite a bit lately, as the mother of a small girl, the thought of what some men do when they get rejected terrifies me. Have you seen TikTok lately? I've seen a bunch of TikToks of women who low-key record interactions near or at the end of a date. One TikTok was a recording from a girl's Ring camera, taken outside her home. Apparently this was a skit but a lot of us know this is also real.

Another TikTok video I saw was an audio recording of the conversation at the end of her date. I think she told the guy something like, "Oh, I don't want to go on another date," and he said, "Oh, so I picked you up, paid $200 for the steak, and we're not having sex?" 

It was not computing in his head. He didn't even know how to hide those words or those thoughts. He just literally thought he could say, "No, I bought you dinner and picked you up. So, must have sex with me."

This is literally 2025, and what some men think that they can expect from women. What is inside the minds of some of these men who get rejected?! 

Also, this is actually a greater societal issue affecting women's safety. I am horrified when I look at the news. Some headlines include: 

• Rejection killings: dangers women face when telling men no.

• An Egyptian man kills a woman for rejecting a marriage proposal

• Lily Sullivan: Man killed teenager after being rejected for sex

• Police say man shot, killed woman who rejected him

🤯

To Ghost Or Not To Ghost

The single biggest thing I'm worried about as the mother of a girl is that this kind of shit is going to happen to her when she's older. It's happening frequently everywhere. 

What do you think is gonna happen when I don't have a good time on a date? I'd say no to a second date, but now that I know you're fucking psychotic and will threaten me, why yes, I will go on a second date with you. What the fuck? 

Okay, I mentioned earlier that I have never ghosted anyone, but honestly, this may be part of why ghosting has become so prevalent. If I ghosted this man, this five-foot-eight, boring man, he never would have been able to threaten me. Who knows if he would follow me anyway, but it's these dangerous interactions that make people not feel safe continuing the conversation.

I should have ghosted. I've never ghosted, but maybe I should. I'm gonna start right now. I'm gonna ghost this podcast (just kidding).