Get ready to be BOTHERED about this story of when an old man interrupted a woman trying to be helped at a retail pharmacy store. When she pointed out her right to continue being served, he called her a profanity. In front of her small child.
Join comedian Julie Kim as she describes her inner conflict about how to respond and deconstructs the interaction in which she cannot get over the ironic fact that this rude old man looked exactly like the venerable Mahatma Gandhi.
Six in the City
For almost my entire adult life, I have lived downtown (first in Toronto and now in Vancouver).
I love busy. I like to walk around and people-watch. While I don’t talk to or meaningfully interact with strangers most of the time, I like to work around them. I like the energy of things happening. I love a walkable city, which Vancouver is often called. Most days I easily get 10,000 steps in a day from errands, getting to meetings and coffee shops, and of course going in and out of my home every time I leave to retrieve that thing I forgot. This happens every day. Importantly, I prefer to be close to comedy venues around town because I am a stand-up comedian. I need to perform and sometimes I do between two to four stand up sets in one night.
Definition of “set:” A set is the thing we comedians do on stage when we talk, whether it’s telling jokes for five minutes or an hour. Some people call them “skits,” but I cannot highlight enough how much we fucking hate that term. It sounds condescending, as if we’re playing around in elementary school. Imagine you did a presentation to your organization’s board, and I said, “good luck with show and tell.” Imagine.
Anyway, even now that I’m married with a small child, I consciously chose to live downtown. My urban kid, let’s call her S (for spawn), sees and hears a lot – construction, road rage, people experiencing homelessness, and much more.
She’s lived her whole childhood among the hustle and bustle. She learned to read traffic lights and signs before the alphabet and knows when to switch sides of me when we’re walking together, and potential danger in the form of an unhinged character approaches. S is an urban kid.
A few years ago, we visited our friends who live on a farm on Vancouver Island, where their kids were born and raised. When we got to a busier part of town (there was a Boston Pizza, that’s how you know you’ve reached peak busy in a small town), they had to watch their children every second because the kids were not used to roads with active traffic. They had to be figuratively leashed and guarded. I’m not at all knocking them or that lifestyle. They know their way around a chicken coop and a bees nest (collectively, I guess, the birds and the bees). HHAHAHA. Yes I just laughed at my own writing.
Mom and daughter time gone wrong
One Sunday afternoon, I took my daughter, then six years old, to a busy retail pharmacy chain location downtown.
We love to browse and shop, especially in stores like these with thousands of things. You can get so many things at the modern-day pharmacy: snacks, drinks, hair and skin products, toys, toilet paper, and even furniture. Sometimes but not often, we get actual drugs as well.
On this pharmacy trip, I was looking for a particular item and asked an employee where I could find it.
As the nice employee began to tell me where I can find my item, an old man standing nearby started yelling his own question at the employee!
HOW RUUUDDDEEEE.
I was taken aback at this man completely ignoring the fact that I was mid-conversation with the employee. Incredulous is the word I use in these moments to sound smart. At this point, I was literally looking around to see if I was being “Punk’d.”
With a face that perfectly said “WTF” and a slight smile that shows teeth, I said “Hey! We are in the middle of talking.”
The old man waved his hand flippantly, scowled and yelled “Ya ya. Okay shut up, bitch.”
??????????
Not wanting to scream at or severely injure a man in front of my small and impressionable child beside me, I took a deep breath and left. As my daughter and I walked away, I saw she looked very distressed. I asked if she was okay and tearfully responded, “That man called you stupid."
I chuckled the tiniest bit inside (only for a split second), amused and thankful she didn’t hear the part where he said “bitch.” I would have been ten times more furious and a total bitch to that man if she had heard that.
"Stupid” is one of the first words kids learn is a bad word. That old asshole called me a bad word! Fuck you, old asshole!
I went right back to the old man and said: “Hey, you just used profanity. So, you need to apologize or I’m getting you kicked out of here.”
Old man feigning confusion: “What profanity?”
Me: “You know what you said. Now, apologize or I’ll get you thrown out.”
Old man with reluctance: “Okay, sorry.”
I pulled my kid from behind me to my side, facing the man: “Good. Now, apologize in front of my kid.”
Old man with a softened face looking at my child: “I’m sorry.”
Me: “Okay, then.”
I made a point not to say thank you because he owed me an apology. I wasn’t going to end this by extending gratitude to him for something he should never have done.
Aside: I kept being stuck on the fact that this old man FOR REAL looked just like Mahatma Gandhi, of "be the change you want to see in the world" quote fame. The Indian lawyer, anti-colonial nationalist, and political ethicist. Source: Wikipedia of course.
The real Gandhi would never have done this! And neither would Ben Kingsley, the white English man who played an Indian man who successfully led a campaign for India's independence from British rule. There's a lot of irony in this little aside. What a world!
I tried to make this stain on our afternoon go away by shaking it off and presenting a happy and energetic energy to S.
We spoke briefly about it and I shared how some people are not happy and spread their unhappiness. I let her know that we made him apologize because people should not be mean or rude like that. I might have gone a little long and a little too far with this teachable moment. When I was done she said “Okay, can we get bubble tea?” Obviously, we got bubble tea. It cures most things.
Not the usual bedtime stories
The next night was I putting S to sleep after we read a book (and by that I mean we watched some TikTok videos). She said in a sad voice, “Momma, remember that man yesterday? He called you stupid. That was scary.”
I said very calmly but seriously, “Yes. That man was wrong to say that, but we made him understand what he did and apologize to us.”
She lay there and said, "Mom, you’re so brave."
Then, she sat up quickly and excitedly said, “You’re the bravest person I know!”
Debrief with myself
I thought about this encounter for the rest of that day and the next. I wondered if my kid was upset and how it impacted her. I oscillated between feeling okay with how I reacted and regret for letting her see such conflict. Conflict is stress.
I was torn in this situation. I wanted to retain my dignity, my composure in front of my child, so I was inclined to walk away after this man called me a “stupid bitch.” But when I realized his bad behaviour affected my child, I pivoted and ensured this man apologized to us.
Was this whole situation confusing to her? I’m unsure and don’t want to ask her about it again, if she has already forgotten.
No excuses for bad behaviour
This is basically a story about an old man who completely disregarded another person (a woman) talking. Of course, that bothers me. I'm fairly certain that if I was a large and scary looking man he would not have done that. And he definitely couldn't have called a large man "stupid b1tch."
I initially thought my reaction was too harsh. Maybe he didn’t mean to interrupt me and it was an accident. I wondered if I should have let it go from the start and given the old man the benefit of the doubt. Then, none of this would’ve happened. I wondered if all this was worth any trauma it caused S.
After a lot of internal debate, I decided that this old man knew what exactly he did. There were many signs that the employee and I were already conversing, namely:
- We were facing each other FFS
- I had just spoken to him FFS
- He was speaking to me in return FFS
Definition of “FFS:” shorthand slang for “For f**k’s sake” when describing a ridiculous situation.
Most notably, any man who immediately spits up “shut up, bitch” when they were called out for being rude, probably meant to be rude.
“Shut up” and “bitch” each on their own are offensive. But saying them together to a woman pointing out her right to be served first and have a conversation without being interrupted should be criminal 🤯 Not to mention doing this in front of a child!
Verdict: he’s piece of fucking shit.
I felt sorry for his wife, if he had a wife. And his daughters, if he had any daughters. Really though, the patriarchy is to blame. I bet this man did not like his behaviour checked by a woman. He probably thought it was preposterous for a woman to speak to him like that. He did me dirty twice.
My initial conflict with the situation had to do with the fact that this man was older. Why do we often give old people a pass? I am seeing more and more (on socials, admittedly) that old people should know better. In scenarios like this one, they know exactly what they are doing.
I could have been the one to “be kind,” but I have no more obligation than this man. I didn’t have to show more understanding and maturity than he did. Also, he started it!
How to act around your kids when sh1t hits the fan at the drugstore or elsewhere
Parents know that there’s a personality we develop and use around our kids. Because there are kids around! We’re a little nicer, more social, and we often have to suck up others' bad behaviours.
I remember first realizing this years ago – a few years after I got my driver's license. I was in a little road rage incident interaction with another driver; someone had cut the other off. The other driver, a man, had a big kid in the front seat. As we were driving side by side, he accelerate just a little bit. As he drove past me in his. much nicer car, he wrapped his arm around his own seat to give me the middle finger behind his back so his kid wouldn’t see. I was offended, but I also admired that. He kind of cheated. He protected his kid from seeing his real (driving) personality. This still amuses me.
That afternoon in a random retail pharmacy chain downtown, I had to use my “mom in public personality” (there’s gotta be a better term) in front of my small, impressionable child.
Question: why am I like this? Answer: childhood trauma
I grew up living above my parents’ convenience store in Toronto. I worked there from a young age and often just hung around while my parents worked. I saw them be nice to everyone. I watched as people took advantage of them and disrespected them. People stole small and big things from them. The store was sometimes vandalized. Whenever I wasn’t around, I wondered if they would get robbed at knifepoint or gun point. I was constantly afraid that someone might k1ll one or both of them.
What’s my point? I grew up with a dark cloud above my head, and heavy responsibility as an eldest daughter. I developed a disgust for injustice and inferior treatment super early in childhood, and I sometimes think I'm driven by inner rage.
Would I want this heaviness for my child? Absolutely not. Now as a parent, I want to give my daughter a lighter childhood, less tension, and no chips on either shoulders. I don’t want her to have to realize that her jaw is clenched and consciously have to unclench it. Like I just did.
That all said, I must say something or do something when my child sees someone disrespecting me, her mother. She needs to learn to be a person who acts bravely, and says something or does something when someone disrespects her or another person.
My parents were probably smiling through adversity and tolerating peoples' behaviours to protect themselves and their kids. But in so doing, their eldest daughter developed a real rage inside. Phrased in a less scary way, experiencing injustice and mistreatment as a child made me somebody who stands up for myself and needs to teach my child to stand up for herself as well. Do I go too far sometimes? Absolutely. But not in this case.
Is it time to move to the suburbs?
No.
Regrets? Just one
All things considered, I think I did the right thing. I was unsure of what to do immediately because of several initial factors:
This shitty behaviour will happen again
It’s better if she knows this behaviour is not right
Knowing what it would have signalled to S if I didn’t act
Since I live in an urban setting, I know there are increased dangers and possibly people with violent tendencies who could do unpredictable things. Sometimes I have to quickly calculate risks and act accordingly, even if it means not fighting back. In fact, this is the spirit my parents acted with whenever they were keeping peace and taking sh1t at their store.
Let me be clear, if I thought we were in a situation with real threat or harm, my response would have been, “So sorry to interrupt you before you started talking! I’ll go now.”
Can’t blame a parent for doing what’s needed to protect themselves and their child.
But seriously, we all have to decide to collectively build and maintain a somewhat civil society where everyone is treated with respect daily. Thankfully most people are hinged (this is what I call people who are not unhinged).
I regret not taking a picture to show you all. But again, I was with my daughter and more concerned with being in the moment.
Mostly I need you to know that he did indeed look JUST LIKE Gandhi. I would include a picture and maybe do an interactive poll here. And 100% of you would agree that yes, this man looked like the real Gandhi.
Should I... yes I will.
Fantasy alternate ending
I'm going to choose my own adventure for my own amusement.
After he says, "shut up bitch", I would leap towards him in mid air. I wind my arm back as far as it will go, and as I start to land I slap him across his skinny little face and knock off his little Gandhi glasses.
No disrespect to the real Mahatma Gandhi or anyone else who resembles him.
I pin him against a giant display of tampons. He winces because he doesn't want to be around feminine hygiene products or anything related to women.
He even says, "Noooo.... women are dirty when they bleed. Could you please have some mercy and let me go or at least, can we do this over at the display of men's razors?"
I say no.
He can hardly breathe from all of the tears that have started to flow out of his eyes partly because he's in pain but also those were Transitions lenses and he suffers from fluorescent light sensitivity which is an intolerance to fluorescent lights that can cause eye strain, headaches, and other symptoms.
I bend down to pick up his glasses and put them back on his face. For a moment I felt sorry for him, assuming he was hungry. Then I remember again that he is not the real Gandhi and would not be on a hunger strike.
He doesn't even thank me for retrieving his glasses because again, he does not respect women.
He does marvel at my strength and asks quizzically, ""Are you sure you are not a man? A woman could never be this strong."
I say, "Yes, I'm a woman. Women are strong. And they shouldn't be interrupted when they are asking for something at a major retail chain. It was only going to take 10 seconds and you should have waited your turn even if I am a woman."
He cries again. He begs me to let him go home as his wife has cooked dinner and now he's very late.
I lean in closer, give him the most intense stare that anyone has ever stared, and I whisper: "Shut up, bitch."
Thanks for reading!
Comment or rate below! If you have a story to share that could be related to a future episode or this one, email us at bothered@juliekimcomedy.com.
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